Has anyone experienced this? My son is 9 years old and has Aspergers. He has been in OT since 3 and is doing OK in school. The school is very supportive and we have a very large IEP team working with him. Our problem is that he would rather pretend he is someone else (right now it is Venom from Spiderman, but has been Batman, Darth Vader, Arnold Schwaranegger among others)--I do believe that he is trying to appear "powerful" to himself and he has stated that because he is different, kids tease him and it is better to pretend that he is someone else. Also, we need him to understand that this is not OK in school. Getting him to understand that other people's feelings count and they may not want to hear the other pretend characters is not an easy concept for him. The teachers are all aware of this and are sensitive to it, and the other children involved have been talked to. The lack of social intuition makes it hard for him to begin with and I think that the pretending makes it even harder for him. Any suggestions? (I am currently in search of a child therapist who is familiar with Aspergers/NLD that he can talk to). Any advice would be great!! Carol

Oh - last one. I went right back to the beginning and I found this. Nobody responded - so I will now - seems to me that this child has developed his own coping method. Probably quite a good strategy. It's good that the teachers were sensitive to this child's needs.

Something my son's SPL is doing is creating a book with him showing charecteristics that are good and not so good. It might be a neat way to do one based off the superhero. So on one side show Venom -- the other side the good and bad parts of him. Then on the next pg, show him the good parts and the parts to be worked on.
Instead of trying to take away the coping technique, use it to your advantage.
Or a contrast book of good superheros vs the bad guys. What makes hero's hero's... and what makes a villan nasty.
SPL should be able to do this because it is about communication.
lol, i'm getting all excited about all the options it opens up!!!!
My son (who is 7 yrs) is struggling with social but we haven't found an interest we can exploit to our advantage :P
Panthosette

I think you can even do this with television programmes - perhaps have a discussion about a tv programme - you could discuss and analyse a programme such as Mr Bean or any programme I guess.


this idea does open up a lot of options that are worth getting excited about.

I like the Mr. Bean choice... we watch it on mute... so there are no cues on when to laugh and we don't miss any important dialogue. Same with Just For Laugh Gags.

We also go for coffee at our local grocery store and play "what are ppl thinking"... pretty self-explanatory. Great way to incorp body lang into how to read ppl... some wander aimlessly since they can't decide what to buy. others have a list and seem to be in a race with themselves to get out. Kids scream over the treats they can't have. The SPL supports it be incorp it with the small group social skills program and the "books" she makes for him.


Thinking in the bigger picture... don't we all pretend to be someone we are not at times. I pretend to be a good daughter-in-law and behave appropriately instead of telling them that it isn't thier job to fix me into what they think i should be.
I pretend to be a good aunt to my new nephew and to dote over him when really he is an ugly baby and the parents need a parenting class.
I pretended to be a good employee who loved thier job when really I didn't like some of the kids or adults I worked with.
Pretending to be someone is what I see as being polite in the NT world. I see it as we have to create different facets of our personalities that "fit" with the situation if we want to fit into different groups of ppl. I don't see it as a negitive all the time if you know how to use it.
panthosette

Wow, Panthosette you have come up with some very clever ways to teach socialization skills, I am impressed!

I find sometimes if I pretend something long enough it actually starts to become how I am or feel, kind of like see it, be it. Sometimes that is a good thing to replace bad habits with good.

Linda

I see it more as turning a switch on and off. I can turn on "happy social" me when out... then come home and turn it off and be me.
"happy social" is still me, just revved up...
I have a few different "facets" I can use when needed to better fit in and get what I want out of the certain situation. I guess this is my coping technique :P

I don't really see it as pretending to be someone else.... but pretending to be someone else could be a good segway to teach how to use those traits that are inherent that you always can't reach for extended periods of time. Maybe by being someone else, you can safely tap into them and practice them until they are comfortable.

My son when he started school pretended he was a tiger. He is now 14 and still clings to his stuffed tiger. His Kindergarten teacher saw that he was wired differently than others, but explained that there were ok times and not ok times to be on all fours and roar/meow instead of using his voice. He ultimately was able to be redirected. We would buy him shirts and hats and backpacks,etc. with wild cats all over them so when he wore them people could see he was a tiger without having to act like one. It motivated him to have less attention from the teacher. He hates when people tell him what to do when he feels it is his choice. Yes, he was that willful from the time he left the womb. That is why I refer to myself as "Mother Tiger"

Panthosette, I love the supermarket games you play. I'm trying to use my imagination to think of other useful situations in which this would apply.




This is great. But the fact that you can turn it on and off delineates a difference. I suspect that this is the sort of NT behaviour that gets some of our fave aspies scratching their heads from time to time. I am just saying this in response to some discussion from earlier in the year, when someone said they didn't get NT behaviour and they found it fake. But you obviously know that it is important to keep well oiled wheels running smoothly.

My Max likes to impersonate animals. Usually meerkats as they have a distinctive body movement. It is usually in response to a difficult or unfamiliar situation, such as when he was having his tests for dx. When we went in for the results, the tester, who had not previously met him, had a concerned look on her face, as she thought he may be extremely dysfunctional. We had to reassure her that it was just for her benefit he did it and he didn't normally walk around on all fours sniffing furniture (and her!) and making noises.
Sometimes I will see him start to sniff the air in a very public way and I gently tell him not to do it. At home I let him get it out of his system.

lol, I'm AS :P
I was able to harness the coping tech of pretend into plausible charecter(s) to cope in a more acceptable manner in high stress situations. I was simply suggesting something similar... as that is the point of the "grocery game" for my son and I. To see and understand the NT behr, then pick wich ones that are most comfortable to us then figure out which situations they work best in. We incorp his pretend world so that they can compliment each other and draw similarities to make the replacement behr more comfortable.
I appreciate most aspies can't/don't/ aren't able too. Maybe that's why I don't post as much. I'm finding that the definition of AS here is getting very narrow.. and quick vehement discussions about what AS is or isn't and it's very black and white... I'm finding my version of AS doesn't fit. It was simply a suggestion that has worked for myself and is working for my kiddo. I feel that if two ppl on the spectrum how found it useful, then there must be a chance it may work for others.. not for everyone mind you, but worth sticking out there for consideration.
I found it very neat M likes to use a meerkat! My son was sparky the dog.. still is at times. And "sparky" is very loud, lol, and he confuses the neighbours dogs.
Panthosette

I think that 'pretend' implies that one is retaining the original underlying personality completely and consciously, whereas what I think Panthosette is refer to is an actual, if temporary, exchange of personality, still consciously done, but, while done, the original issues of the original personality disappear.

My AS buddy can do this in a flash, and turn on his 'actor' mode. All his normal challenges are temporarily removed, and he behaves in a 'normal', or even an extroverted way. The only problem is that he doesn't get the same level of personal satisfaction from those exchanges, although he can get results that have later benefits to him. He knows what he's doing, and he has full control of the switch, but he also finds it has a sort of a hollowness, as it is the achievement of the 'actor' rather than that of his true 'self'. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it is a good coping strategy, but not a long term road to personal satisfaction.

Max also used to pretend he was a cat when younger. He stopped around age 8 or 9 I think. Linda

Bart, my son does this as well. He has even claimed to see a young fellow in the home. Doctor said it may have been a manifestation of stress, or the "Ben" that he wanted to be. Fascinating dynamic.

I think I started a post on here a long time ago about imaginary friends but couldn't pull it up. I never had any nor did my other 2 sons but I always wished I had one when I was little, seemed so cool. Max had a very close imaginary friend named Mac who had a mom it seems but spent a lot of time at our house. He was about 2 at the time. Mac was later joined by Alex and Sam and they all hung around until Max was about 5. I thought it was cute at the time but now wonder if it was a sign of loneliness due to AS or just being an only child. Did any of you or your kids have imaginary friends when small?

Linda, I would not call my son's experience as having a friend. He saw a boy named Ryan in our home, usually in the evening after he went to bed (bed time was always rough). He told us later that he would come out into the living room and Ryan was sitting on the floor watching TV. He had on dark trousers and a striped shirt. He felt Ryan was a better boy than he was and believed he heard us talking to him lovingly; in a way Ben felt we did not. I was tormented by this for months. My heart broke. What I have concluded - and this is still true today - is that my son does indeed feel less loved because he receives more instruction and redirection from us, and more pushback from either friends or teachers. What we had to do was actually show him 4 chairs at the table, 4 toothbrushes, etc. until Ryan went away. I am very candid with my son because he is smarter than I am. When he expresses this sense of favoritism I sit and go through the events that brought him to feel this way. I do not reference anyone else, like his brother, just him. "When you did this you hurt me. When you hurt me, you and I need to be apart. I will always love you, but I cannot let you hurt me." These are conversations we never have with his brother because he is the most mild mannered fella. I speak with my son privately, reinforce my love, hold him without cracking his tiny bones and vow to help him learn to make choice that result in good feelings.
The stuffed tigers and things are a source of great comfort. They never hurt him and never say hurtful things. They are there at bedtime, and again when he awakes.

Panthosette, because of the roads you have travelled, your insights and suggestions are very valuable. Sometimes in life, it takes a person who has struggled with an issue, then overcome it, to be able to share the solution in a meaningful way. The supermarket game is something Max would be able to greatly benefit from. I never would have come up with it myself.

In what way do you find that the definition of AS is becomming too narrow? How do you feel that your situation is different to other's put out there? Are the discussions too quick because they go off on side tracks before all angles have been discussed?

Linda my son never had an imaginary friend. He didn't have any imagination/pretend play at all until he started on meds. Funny even now at 7 yrs, he still can't imagine that abstractly... but he can pretend to be an object or animal!

Vmum: I find that there doesn't seem to be flexability in the defination to allow for individuality. The strive to find similarities is so great that each of us are getting sucked into stereotypes. I find it a bit worrying for parents, lol, even myself! There are so many new and creative ways to teach and learn that if we listen too closely to the rules of what AS is, we can miss some variances in the individial which could benefit from non-traditional ideas.
AS is a spectrum... if we say "all ppl with AS do not want to socialize" we could hurt those ppl with AS who strive to have a friend.
My situation is the same and different. I don't see life as that black and white.... but rather in so many possibilities it becomes overwhelming. A question like that is too general for me.
The side tracks are a bit frustrating, lol, but that's only because I use it when I argue with someone... I tend to lead them in enough circles around the issue, they end up letting me get my own way :P
I do enjoy reading all the posts. I find it very interesting to see how much we all differ. I am always looking for new ideas to try out with my son.

My son did not play pretend. He just acted like a tiger, but did not interact with his peers at all.