Hello. I'm a newby and have few questions. My wife and I have been married for a little more than 6 years. We've had a fairly stormy relationship and have tried counseling without a lot of success. What we learned however was that perhaps my wife suffers from "Schizoid Personality Disorder". During the course of my research into that, I learned about AS. Specifically the shrink said she had poorer verbal skills than I. This surprised me. She is a brilliant computer scientist for NASA and she is quite successful in her carreer. I am beginning to suspect AS may be more descriptive of her symptoms.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today to try to get some answers. Specifically, I want to learn some techniques on how to better interact with her...what to do, and more importantly, what not to do. She is hypersensitive to my tone of voice, especially. Often, she says I'm screaming at her even if I am really calm and only in slight disagreement.

I desparately want to make this work. Am I barking up the wrong tree? We're both fairly eccentric people. But I believe we do love each other a lot.

Thanks for the forum.

Bill

This sounds like more of an issue for Margaret Sankey, another member of this site. However, people with AS don't always have poor verbal skills. The part about her saying that your yelling at her does sound like hypersensitivity.

If you want to know how to handle her all I can say is be very direct. You also need to make sure that you don't say ANYTHING that could be misconstrued in any way. Don't make hints, or use analogies, just say exactly what you think (with all your pride put aside) and be as caring and compassionate in how you do it as possible. That way she wont feel so defensive. Sit her down to do it also, make it the point of the conversation. Don't bring it up in casual conversation.

Absolutely--neanderthal's suggestions about speech are right on target. People with AS often have a hard time figuring out what emotion you are expressing, especially if we percieve that what you are saying (esp. criticism) doesn't "match" how you are saying it. Even calmly delivered disagreement can be interpreted like screeching.

Have you tried writing down important things? Neutral venues like that, where she has time to think of an appropriate response, may be helpful. We aren't great personal communicators on the spot all the time.

Sometimes brilliant people are less verbal because they are trying to get it "just right", and I can appreciate that as a scientist that may be what your wife is doing--so she may not be so much less fluent than she is very cautious in lanaguage?

NASA sounds like an ideal place to be eccentric and have AS, if that's the right tree. A lot of AS adults can fit in very well when their special skills are valued and they are given a lot of clerical and professional support.

It is great that you are asking for help like this--a lot of the posts which are about children also have a lot on communication, but for the moment, you can try thinking of talking to her as if she spoke a foreign lanaguage, and wouldn't pick up on all the in-built subtleties English has (because of word emphasis, loaded terms, slang, complicated metaphors). I think that will give you a great start. Please let us know what your pros suggest to make it easier, and we can point you at some more reading material that might help you "get inside her head".

I really admire AS people who can be married--I am intensely private and territorial, and can't even share hotel rooms with family members. I can imagine the self-control it takes an AS person to share a marriage!

Thanks for the posts Neanderthal and Margaret. I have always treated her as a "normal" person. I read someone's signature here that says, "normal is a setting on your dryer". Guess that's right.

I got a call from the dr's office. Yep, he's sick today. Had to reschedule to Thursday. I did order a book from Amazon called "Loners: The Life Path of Unusual Children". Hasn't arrived yet. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 37, (43 now). I stopped taking the ritalin. May go back to it if will help us get along. I'll take a tip from Ari Fliescher and "watch what I say" when it comes to trying to communicate with Suz.

Read something today in a back issue of readers digest about women aging and diminished ability to distinguish vocal cues...ie. not being able to tell when someone is trying to be humorous or sarcastic and how it can lead to serious misunderstanding.

That book may be helpful towards understanding where both of us came from.

Thanks again for your help and support. I'll try to keep you posted. Meanwhile, I'm always open to suggestion.

Bill

I just reread my last post and realized it may have sounded sexist. That was not my intention.

That article I read was about hearing loss and why men and women hear things differently.

Marriage has given me a wholly new appreciation for how perception equals reality.

Not a problem! I've just been reading an journal article about how aging men sometimes lose the ability to hear the higher pitched sounds, and thus can't understand women talking. It seems like the disability goes both ways!

Yeah, now that you mention it, that little bit about men and HF hearing deficit later in life was in the article I read too. Funny how I self-censored that. Perception? Reality?

I know, I know. Shame. Shame.

It may be that little tidbit jumped out at me because I am the only women in a department of six men, all but one of whom are in their 50s or older. My voice is deliberately fairly low to project to a class, but I know they miss things (even with hearing aids) I say. They're mostly Scandinavians, too, so they don't talk much to begin with (perfect AS job as well--they leave me alone, I don't cause trouble).

What field are you in, if you don't mind? I'm a history professor. I know a lot of people who do history of NASA stuff (I did a favor once and translated 100 pages of German histories of wind tunnels--ARRG). Always delighted to encounter other people who frely describe themselves as eccentric!

Thanks Margaret. I have a sister named Margaret. Not that that's relevant. I worked in the commercial broadcasting and recording industry for the past 30 years. Since the broadcast biz is no longer viable, (thanks a lot FCC, corporate theives), I now work in the military industrial complex for corporate america. I also work weekends at the local NPR affiliate, the public radio station. The pay is so lousy, I consider this to be a volunteer job. I'm just trying to help them out. Their budget is really, really small. I'm trying to complete an electrical engineering degree, but it's hard when you're old.
It's especially hard when your life is in constant turmoil. But that's just me whining. The book, "Loners: The Life Path of Unusual Children" came in the mail today. It's written by a Scottish child psychiatrist. There's a reference to AS and "Schizoid" in the forword so I think it'll be applicable to us. I may not fully understand what we're up against. When you love someone or think you do, I believe one will do almost anything to avoid the truth and try to wish it away with whatever magical thinking one can muster. I'd like to know you story and Neanderthal's as well. If it's not obvious in the forum, maybe you could email me privately if you're so inclined. Sorry for the voluminous response, but hey, you asked.

Hey, this is a kind of P.S.

I have some of the original Werner Von Braun audio tapes from his personal collection in my studio. I've remastered some of them to digital. I want to try to do the same with the rest of them and donate the archives to our local museum. You mentioned that you've done research on the history of NASA. We may have more in common than we think. As a matter of fact, one of my lonely cohorts at the radio station borrowed my minidisc recorder and stereo microphone to record some of the surviving rocket team members tonight at our public library. I've been interested in trying to preserve some of this stuff for many years. Let me know if you think we should collaborate.

Bill