This is amazing--I _actually_ specialize in 18th century Britain, but I got my Phd at Auburn in Alabama, which has very strong ties to the Air War College and the NASA facilities in Huntsville (and a big community for former German scientists who live there). Amazingly, a lot of people doing the history of technology DON"T READ GERMAN (how could it be?), so I got drafted as a translator a lot. The von Braun tapes are something I know my former department chair would absolutely love to have a copy of--I am not the one whose speciality this is, but I know a couple of people with access to NASA and Air Force grant money.

What you are doing with the oral history is wonderful. I get so buried in the lives of people dead 300 years that I don't always think to preserve the important stuff going on around me!

My apologies to the group for straying so far off topic. Please forgive. I do think that it's most interesting to note that we're all so connected in so many ways we may never know. None of us is truly alone, as I sometimes feel. Before I go into too much gooey sentimentality, (semi-mentality) I'll part with this, Margaret. My sister Margaret and her former husband graduated from Auburn, my father graduated from what was then called the Alabama Polytechnic Institute, (now Auburn University), my niece and my nephew just graduated from Auburn. So all I can say is War Eagle and I'll try to send you a private message to keep from boring the rest of the group with this fascinating, but off-topic nontheless, conversation. Regards,
bill

My thanks to Neanderthal and Margaret for the help in understanding what may be going on with my wife and me. Many of the things you told me in your posts were close to what the psychiatrist suggested for me to do/not do. Best of all, your advice didn't cost a hundred and eighty bucks. (He's not on my insurer's PMD list.)

Post if you think I might be able to help in return somehow.

Thanks again,

Bill

I posted on the other board that I am seriously starting to wonder if, rather than the ADHD, depression, anxiety and OCD that I have, if I might be on the autistic spectrum--somewhere.
You talked about your wife being overly sensitive and that really got to me. I am soooo overly sensitive, and my eccentricities and perseverative thinking make this worse--I definately have a one track mind, sometimes--drive my husband nuts sometimes so...he has had to be VERY patient and VERY careful about what he says AND how he says it. An off-handed comment about dishes in the sink will set off a chain of events in my mind that is like a train on a collision course--did he mean that the house is a mess, that I am a bad housekeeper, etc... He will occasionally say that I am allowed to just complain about him all day and yell at him when I am upset--at him or anything else, but he can't even raise his voice to me without me getting angry or bursting into tears. He's right. I know that it must be hard to live with me--but bless his heart, he's a wonderful husband and he really tries to understand me so that he can help to avoid or alleviate whatever stress or anxiety I might have. (Something I find myself doing now for my 5 year old autistic son). He used to have to drive me everywhere we went, take me to the grocery store, to all of my doctor's appointments, etc. At times it must have felt like having another child instead of a wife. But, on the other hand, in many areas I was very competent--even controlling, like with our finances, raising the children, going to college, etc. Imagine the irony in having to have my husband drive me to my evening college classes. I graduated with honors, but I was too anxious to drive alone at night...
When I get involved or interested in something--it inevitably takes over our whole life. I am sewing now, and there is evidence of my new interest ALL over the place, all the books I buy now are about sewing, I am collecting thread, fabric and other sewing supplies, and taking sewing classes. I tried to teach my daughter, but she wasn't interested. Teenagers...
I often wonder how I could possibly be married to anyone other than my husband. Surely no one else would put up with what he puts up with. He sees what is wonderful about me (he thinks I am a great wife and mom and that I am able to do whatever I set my mind to--but that I have low self-esteem that gets in the way) and he knows what is difficult about me and areas where I struggle and tries to make life easier for me. Right now he is being supportive as I deal with the depression and ADHD treatment and find out what meds work and in what doses--it can be very difficult and my moods can be all over the place. Sometimes he has to pick up the slack when I am overwhelmed, and he does--whatever it is--make dinner, take the kids to the park while I have some "down" time, do something that is on MY to-do list, etc. I will often ask him to do something now, and he will note that it doesn't need to be done right away, and I will, in frustration, say "Can you just get it off my list, please!" He understands about the list in my head--the one that is often overwhelming even if there are only a few things on it...
Whatever makes me who I am--strengths and weaknesses, I am so fortunate to have a husband like mine who loves me for who I am and wants to help, support and encourage, rather than change me. It seems that your wife is that fortunate as well.
If I am anything like her, and I notice a few similarities in your post, I would also offer this advice--be very reassuring. I think that most people who are a little different, have self-esteem issues. No matter how much we achieve, accomplish, etc. we still feel somehow "less than." Say SINCERE things that are complimentary--notice what she does right and what she does well. I am, by nature, very self-critical, and criticism from other people is too much on top of what I am already telling myself. When I have a rough day with the kids, and my husband points out something specific that I have done that helped to calm our son, or connected with our daughter, or helped him with something at work, etc.--it creates a feeling of peace in me that is wonderful and feels like a "safe" place. There is no substitute for that feeling. Likewise, a critical comment at the end of a long day, well...we have discussed tantrums in our children on another area of this board...

One quick thought, I think I do usually know when someone is being humorous or sarcastic, but I still take it VERY personally. "Yep, that's meant to be a joke, but..." I have this idea that there is always truth beneath these humorous or sarcastic comments and so I am often hurt by them anyway--and then obesess about exactly whta was really meant by it. Does that make any sense or sound familiar to anyone?

I'm sorry I've not been able to post for a couple of weeks.

My wife Susan is leaving me. We went on a much needed vacation with our 10 year old son to D.C. last week and, everyone seemed to be having a great time. On Saturday evening, Susan and I were talking about what she wanted to do with our screened porch. I was talking in a very restrained tone and was trying to be factual about the way to do what she wanted. She became very angry and accused me of "being too serious" and "preachy". This silly argument led to my getting another room at the hotel and us not speaking for the rest of the trip. She's packed and will move today or tomorrow. There's nothing I can do. This is the absolute blackest day of my life. I'm sorry for spilling out all over the floor here. I honestly don't know how I can go on. There's nothing but the darkness ahead of me.

bill

I am so sorry to hear this.. Marital relationships are not my forte, but it may not be as bleak as you think right now (I am being very presumptious, I know). I know that I have made terrible ultimatums in the heat of frustration or exhaustion (on trips or just returning from them is a very bad time for me, even if it is a vacation, could this be part of it for her?) and then been really stuck when I realized what I did and tried to find a way out of it.

It is a very drastic thing for an AS person to leave in the way you describe, and it would mean a substantial change to her surroundings and routine. Does she have a safe place to go? To family members?

Please think of your son during these times, especially preparing the way if she later changes her mind and needs an "out" to come back. You mentioned that she was recently diagnosed with AS? For many in this situation, they are super analyzing things all at once, and may over-react to things, or just get over-loaded.

More wild speculation: I know personally that I have reacted very badly when someone I was fighting with demonstrated even the slightest self-preservation (leaving, getting another room, hanging up the phone). To me, they failed a test of loyalty--how far will they go with me. I don't know what your argument was like, but she may have interpreted it as YOU cutting things off (as bizarre as this seems to you).

I don't know how to interpret "too serious and preachy," except that I have sometimes come unglued thinking that the person speaking calmly, slowly and rationally was being really patronizing, and it had made me angry. I know, this sort of means that you can't win, but if you think of a time that you thought you were being treated like a child, you might react that way too at the time.

I really hope that you can maybe set down in writing something reassuring, and see that she gets it in a few days. You might need some time for everybody to get calmed down, and then see if there is any opening to talk. I am hoping for the best for you, please let us know how you are doing.

Thank you Margaret. I honestly believe it's too late. Her lawyer's office called me yesterday to find out when I could come in and sign the papers. (She had them drawn up last year when started to do this.) She's threatened to leave about 3 times in the past 4 months. She will this time. Last month, she saw a house that she wanted on the internet, looked at it only once on a Friday night and paid a thousand dollars down on it. She lost the grand when she decided not to buy it.

Her housekeeping company called me today wanting to reschedule the appointment she missed for the estimate for cleaning the "new" property. Don't know if she's renting or buying. If she's buying, she'll have to take the down payment from her retirement fund...to the tune of a 40 percent penalty!

I don't know if she has AS or not. She's previously been diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD and lastly with Schizoid Personality Disorder. I have no idea if any of those are correct.

I will miss her and my step-son terribly, but this roller coaster ride must end for me or I'll go nuts, (or nuttier). If she doesn't find a way to find out what's really wrong and get treatment, her next relationship, (if she has one), will be equally doomed, I fear.

I don't know if anyone could be married to a person who will not be reasoned with under any circumstances. I still love them both. I am so sorry. I don't know what to do except let it happen. The most horrible thing in the world to me is continuing to live with her, knowing it's just a matter of a few days before she and Dylan are gone. We aren't talking except in the most "business" like terms. I know I'll think it's pure hell the day it happens. I'm as lost as I've ever been.

bill

Bill, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I doubt it will help much, but my Sister has bipolar disorder, and I suspect my Mom might as well, and both caused themselves a lot of misery by leaving their marriages, and in some cases, their families. Their impulsive behavior, as well as the depression and intense anxiety, negative thinking, and all that "stuff" that accompanies bipolar disorder, and other such conditions, is overwhelming, and I suspect--often the cause of impulsive or reactive decision making that causes them, and those who love them, pain and confusion.
My Sister has only recently begun treatment for bipolar disorder, and is finding the treatment to have its own set of problems and hurdles to overcome. She is trying to find her way and live a life that is changed--better in many ways, but different. It's a challenge that I can only begin to imagine--to find yourself somewhere in all those differences and diagnoses--and figure out who you are and what you want and need in light of, as well as in spite of, those conditions.
It sounds as though you love her a great deal, and I encourage you to continue to express that, even during this difficult time. Allow her to be businesslike if that is how she is handling things right now--but remember that YOU don't have to be. You can tell her how you feel--that you still love her very much, that nothing she can say or do will change that, etc. Sometimes people who are hurting do these things--big, life-changing things, and sometimes with good reason--and sometimes as a way to continue a pattern that they have lived with for so long--of hurting and suffering, because it's what they know, and sadly, sometimes what they feel they "deserve." I am no doctor, but I have seen this kind of pattern and this kind of pain, and it is heartbreaking.
I want to grab ahold of my family members and scream at them--"Nothing you can do is going to make me love you any less, and you aren't going to be able to do anything so bad that you will drive me away or make me stop caring about you--so, you can stop trying now--accept that love and stop finding ways to hurt yourself or continue to make yourself miserable." So many people cause themselves so much hurt because they don't think they are worthy, or because they feel the need to test the love of others in order to feel secure. I see this a lot in teenagers that challenge their parents and experiment with drugs and other behaviors that are self-sabotaging and damaging. I don't know that this is the case with your wife, that she is unintentionally undermining her own happiness, but it can't hurt to ensure that she knows that you do still love her--maybe even that her leaving won't change that.
I only have personal experience to bring to the table, and it may not relate, but I sure do hope that your family finds its way back to each other. I am hoping the same for many members of my family.

Thank you for your understanding and advice.

My only connection with you all is my doomed marriage to someone who may or may not suffer from AS. I wish I could say more, but I can't stop my babyish balling.

I wish I had control of something, me included.

Maybe I can help someone else, someday when this no longer dominates my mind. Got to pull myself together.

Thank you.
bill