Hi, I am a 28 year old "adult" with Asbergers, but most of the time I don't even feel human. I have had alot of issues at school because of my Asbergers. This is my first semester at Texas A&M University - Corpus Christi, but it's not my first time at college - I have been kicked out of school twice and this is my last chance to go to college. I am in big trouble now because of recent incidents here on campus where the dean was called by lots of different people who have witnessed my psychiatric fits and were "concerned" that something strange was going on with me. Today I went to a conference between the dean of students, my counselor, and myself concerning my bad behavior and I was threatened, I feel, to follow the rules on the contract that was conditional of me staying at school. I told them during the conference how I feel about my Asbergers, that most people don't have to deal with these special kinds of issues, they only have to worry about normal problems like taking tests, relationships, and jobs. I feel very inferior because I'm not "most people" with a normal life(MINE IS MORE LIKE AN EXISTENCE). I am forced to take very strong tranquilizer medications, when most people don't have to, and have everybody tell me that I'm a psychopath. I feel right now like I don't deserve to have ANYTHING good because good things are for normal people only, not for nuts. I have an obsession over my VCR, and I have to sleep with the VCR every night or I can't go to sleep. And I feel like taking the VCR apart and totally destroying it because I don't deserve to have it because nuts don't deserve to have things. I feel like the only thing I will ever be good at is failure, and good things are not for nuts like me. I feel like the only reason I want to keep existing is so I don't go to a hotter place right now. I feel so worthless and good for nothing and undeserving of anything good that I can't even describe it. Let's face it, I've got Asbergers and I'll never be normal, I'll never have any of the things that people without it have, and I'll have to spend the rest of my existance that way. I am really depressed, could really use some advice and encouragement from anyone who feels like responding.
JM

Wow Jeanine, that's too much negativity. First, you're not a "nut." You're different, in good ways and maybe in not so good ways. It's just a question of learning how to control the not so good, and project the good more. I say "just." It's hard, and I haven't manage to do it yet either, but maybe if you start to look at it that way, and see it as a project, which is what it really is, that will start you on your way.

Someone started a thread recently asking "what do you like about yourself?" So what DO you like? Don't answer "Nothing"! What things do you vaiue about yourself; what things/characteristics are you glad you have?

I know what it feels like to have an existence instead of a life. And I know what it feels like to be threatened with expulsion from college and from employment (and not just threatened). Other people on this board have had these experiences too, so you're not alone.

When you talk about your psychiatric "fits," can you say more about what happens? Do the tranquilizers help with them? My own opinion is that medication is not good for people like us. That's just my opinion, but maybe it would help you if you could ease yourself into a medication-free life, because that might give you more control. If you're sedated a lot of the time, it's hard to get a life going for yourself.

I must admit that I didn't understand your need to sleep with your VCR. If you want to, it would be interesting to hear more about that.

Do you have any family or friends who can support you?

People with Aspergers are able to have normal lives with families, friends and jobs once they get a handle on how to live among people who don't have Aspergers -- or NTs -- neurotypicals, as they're called. So don't think you will be living in despair forever. You won't!

Tara

You're normal in the sense that you can only be yourself. If you were trying to be the Pope, then you wouldn't be normal. Just try to take it one day at a time - present the Dean and so forth with a list of Asperger traits. That's what I did with my managers, and namely the issues I have trouble with. So far, they've been able to work with me for the most part, but when new people come in, it's hard to deal with. I'd try Tara's suggestion - to get off the meds. Prozac didn't really work for me after awhile (and I had been on them for a running of 7-8 years; way too long in my opinion). It took a few years, but I've got myself to an arrangement where I can balance myself out. The meds just slow you're thinking down a lot - but if they help you, they I'd stick with it (of course). Instead of a VCR, why not trying to sleep with a teddy bear with a pic of a VCR taped to it - pretend the teddy bear is the VCR. I'm thinking the VCR is some sort of security device you're using to feel secure. Just project those feelings onto the teddy bear. I have a teddy bear that I've had since I was born - Mr. Bear (and he's pink!...well, more of a grayish color now). And if that doesn't help, I pull out my blankie (yes, blankie - how normal is that for a 22 year old? he he). At any rate, to keep this short (too late?), just take it one day at a time. Remember to stop yourself and take a step back, if you can. It's not fun being criticized, or threatened with termination of a job. It sucks - and it's not one of those best days. Also, you do have control - you are someone. Take a deep breath, and tell yourself - one day at a time. And if that doesn't work, well, tomorrow's another day. Today was a good day for me, yesterday I was cranky (too much stress is a bad thing, but something I'm working on, for example). Hope this helps, and a good day, Serenity

Jeanine,
An existence is better than non-existence. It is hard but possible to build a life. On the upside, a life that you craft for yourself can meet your needs better as a unique person. A "normal" life is far from being all sunshine.
You may not have (right now) many thing that you see NTs having, but you seem to have perseverence. And more of it than a lot of people.
There are not really any normal people. It is just that there happens to be a lot of one kind of abnormal person (NTs).
You deseve good things like anyone else. You may have a more dificult time getting good things; this will help you appreciate good things when the do happen for you.
Hope the dean etc. are understanding.

Sasquatch

Hi, it's Jeanine (I prefer to be called by my alias, Ilano). Thank you for your support, I really needed it! Thank you for listening to my problems. I think most of the time what I try to do to cope with my AS is to ignore it, because just thinking that there's someting wrong with me makes me depressed. Usually I try to just concentrate on my studies at school and block it all out, I hate it when the people here at school bring my attention to it. It's almost like it's a distraction, I don't like to think about personal issues, I only like to think about objective issues such as school, job, etc. I feel like these people are interfering in my personal life where I just want them to leave me alone and let me go to class and live my life as usual. As for the medication, I am being controlled by the dean, as a condition of staying in school, by being forced to take "my medication as prescribed by the hospital", if I don't I will be kicked out of school. I had to sign a special contract (I was the only one in the school who had to do so)to stay here, and if I break any of the rules they have imposed on me, I'm outta here! Back to living with myh mom (which I hate because she is so protective and controlling of me). I feel like I'm very lucky to get to come here at all, it's a chance for a better existence and a way to support myself away from home). I totally agree with you on getting off the meds. I have b een off of it until now and they only seem to make things worse. I really, really don't want to take them again, and it's so unfair that it's being forced on me like this! I actually feel better when I don't take them, they have an opposite effect of making me more depressed and also, like was mentioned, slowing down my thinking and lowering my performance in everything I do. I take Risperdal and Celexa, and I REALLY do not want to start back on the Risperdal again because I can't physically handle the side effects. Every time I take it I get so nauseated, dizzy, and light - headed that I can't even STAND up, it induces fainting in me. And I've noticed that the meds have never put me in an emotionally better state, all they do is knock me out and add to my depression. And just the act of taking them makes me come back to the thought that I am a psycho, and dram atically lowers my self - esteem (low to start out with)! I will still have incidents either with or withoujt the medication (sorry I'm writing a novel, but I have alot to say!) And the incidents all seem to happen at the same time, last week I had a fit in the mailroom because I had bought a VCR (remember that is my #1 obsession)off of Ebay, and it had not come in for a week. The person at the mailroom said it was not going to come, that it had gotten lost and I would never see it (this is after i had mailed them a money order for $75, alot of money for me, with no insurance, tracking number, anything). I got so upset at that mailroom guy because he sounded like a darn data bank who didn't care about my feelings, he didn't offer me any consolation or reassurance, he just said "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I do not know, it is not going to arrive." His flat tone just drove me nuts, and I was harrassing him about is there any chance it could come or why didn't it come? Then I went to the information desk in the building and harrassed them about what they thought about whether the VCR was coming, and that my VCR at home had disappeared because I couldn't get the new one and wasted money on it. The stupid girl at the desk called the police, she reminds me of Moesha, a typical sitcom - type, immature, flirty black girl always carrying around her cell phone. A couple of days later, I went to the bookstore to buy batteries for my tape recorder and I was short a dime and they wouldn't sell it to me even though I was so close)so I said here, just take my money! "Sorry, Ma'am, we don't allow that." So I tore up the dollar bill and threw the tape recorder in the trash. Another day I had an appointment with my biology professor and I was physically exhausted when I got to his office (I have NO physical stamina) and I displayed my shortness of breath and exhaustion to a group of students studying there, they thought it was a health issue because I advertised it so loudly, but all I needed was to rest. All of these times the dean of the school was called because of their "concern" for me. I think alot of these typical campus college students and staff (mostly student workers) just don't understand people like me who have AS, and they never try to work with me to avoid these problems. And I don't want to give up my obsession with my VCR, I need the VCR just to function day to day. That VCR is my source of comfort and security, and I don't feel safe without it, I feel I will die without it. It's the only friend I have, and I substitute it for a friend because it's never mean to me, never makes fun of me or puts me down, and accepts me no matter what I say or do, is always there for me. I have no friends or relationships (ZERO), I am totally alone because there is nobody here that has my interests, personality, and desires. Everybody on this campus is a cookie - cutter mold of each other, always "who's going out with who", flirty, immature who would rather socialize and party than study and don't care about technical, rocket scientist stuff (my interests). And my family I don't get along with either, we argue most of the time we speak to each other. I think if the school would let me get a pet I would be alot happier because I relate better to animals than to people and they are more accepting. Sorry again this message is so long, but I just wanted to tell you everything!
Jeanine

Hello Ilano,

Don't worry about writing too much. Write what you need to write.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. Here's something that might help - when you get into these situations or confrontations with people, like the people in the mailroom over the VCR, try to step back. Try to look at the situation from the point of view of a "third person" in the room (for example, the Dean!), and try to imagine what the situation looks like to this third person. Whether right or wrong, what does it LOOK LIKE to this third person? If you can manage to do this, it will help you to avoid these situations that later caused people to be "concerned" about you. You have a fundamentally different way of looking at the world from them. You have to learn THEIR language, because they are not going to learn yours. Yes, this is very unfair, but that's the way the world is. As many on this board have said, the world is controlled by NTs (neurotypicals), not by people with Aspergers, so we have to learn how to fit in with their way of doing things.

So, in the mailroom example, once you've asked is the VCR there, and then you've asked when it will arrive, and they don't know -- a third person watching this would probably say "That's enough; any more questions is going to start to look weird."

I know it's stupid, and I know people can be unkind with their flippant half-answers to questions that really matter to you. Some people really enjoy being unkind and deliberately obtuse and obstructive, and you MAKE THEIR DAY by getting upset. It's horrible to have to abide by the rules of morons like that, but horrible or not, it's what you have to do.

Someone on this board wrote in another post about how people with AS have trouble with the world being unfair. We expect fairness in every situation. I know I do, fairness for myself and for others. But that's not the way the world works. The world is not a fair place. We must not let our frustration with unfairness cause us harm. We must learn to control that frustration and to channel it in a healthy way, or ignore it.

Regarding your VCR, I still don't get it but find it very interesting. If you only recently ordered it, how can it have become so important so fast? But maybe I misunderstood you. In any event, it is probably important that you begin to take steps to control your feelings about the VCR. Either that, or keep them a secret. Don't let anyone see how much it matters to you, because they will attack you for that. (Attack you with their "concern".)

As for your medication, can you go back to see the doctor who prescribed it and ask him if he can ease you off it? THen you'd be doing it with the hospital's permission and so wouldn't be breaking your college contract.

The other possibility is simply not to take it. If you're going to ease yourself off it, do some research online to find out how to get off it slowly. It's usually not a good idea to stop medication suddenly. But this depends on you knowing for sure that Aspergers is the diagnosis, and the only diagnosis. If there is some other problem, it could be that the medication is helping you in ways you don't realize. So it would be much better if you could adjust or stop the meds with the help of a doctor. If you do stop on your own, don't tell the college. It's most unfair to make you abide by a contract, in my view. I can see why they do it, and they are only trying to be helpful, but it does single you out, not least in your own mind. Do they require other students to sign contracts promising not to be stupid thugs? No.

What are you studying by the way? And do you have plans regarding what kind of job you'd like to have at the end of it?

Tara

Ilano, I wrote something above about the need for you to take steps in dealing with your feelings for the VCR. I meant to add that cognitive-behavioral therapy would probably help you a lot in that regard. Have you had any form of psychotherapy?

Tara

Ilano - consider the people on this board your friends. I know I do - even though I have never met any of them. They're someone who I can rant to, ask questions, or whatever - and I always get some sort of reply (even though, half the time, I probably never make sense). Perhaps the girl called the police because you were being too loud. I do that a lot - without noticing it. It's the foremost thing that confounds me about myself. Try as I might, I have NEVER been able to regulate my voice. My manager finally got fed up with it, and fired me today - she said she was tired of it. I didn't mean to raise my voice, didn't even notice I was doing so. The only solution would be to quit talking all together - but that's impossible. I had a melt down - first MAJOR one in over a month - but a melt down nonetheless (and it had been building all day - I had been fighting it all day long - I wasn't feeling well and was thus cranky from the moment I rolled out of bed - even though it worked for a while pretending to be happy). I know how you feel - those feelings of worthlessness and that you're a failure. It's just the frustration talking, though. I'm struggling as of now to keep thinking of the positive solutions to this problem, such as the vocational job thingy next week, and the fact it's almost the holidays, so some stores should be hiring. However, it doesn't solve my problem of speaking too loudly, too low, mumbling when I think I am speaking clearly, etc - the things that alienate me from the "normal" world. I cannot relate to my peers - not by a long shot. Too few people, except for perhaps this board and an asexual one I post at, are interested in literature, Scrabble, and writing. I'll probably have a harder time finding a boyfriend - if normal thinking people cannot understand, I don't want to subject anyone else to trying to understand me, either. But then again, as my mom has explained to me, I am trying, and in some cases, that's all that matters. Just some people are mean and work at fast food their entire lives for a reason :-D May be if you explained to the Dean your feelings about taking yourself off of the medication in exchange for, say psychotheraphy as Tara suggested, or why allowing you to have an animal would help you, would alievate some of the problem. Of course, the world isn't fair - as much as that makes me mad - so the Dean might not understand (I have to keep reminding myself not everyone understands me the way my mom does), but then again, you never know. Just an idea, of course. Start with baby steps, too. Ignore the fact you're obsessed with your VCR and that you think that everyone else thinks you're nuts for it. Instead, like Tara says, during those moments before utter melt down havoic breaks lose, try taking a step back. Easier said than done (I still have days where I struggle with that one), but just try. Make it a challenge for yoursef. For instance, make it a game - tell yourself you're only allowed a major melt down every other day, and then extend it further, once you feel comfortable you have achieved that goal. Reward yourself for not extending the number of "moments" - whatever you think would fit you best. Hope this helps, and have a good day, Serenity

Serenity, I'm sorry you lost your job. You told them recently that you believe you have AS, is that right? And a week later, they fire you? I wonder if you would have a case. On the other hand, you might not care because you didn't like the job. Then again, if it's all you had . . .

Could you find a job where you're not having to deal with the public and where you wouldn't have to speak so much? Maybe temping as a secretary or something like that. That brings its own problems, I know, with the office atmosphere. Or helping out at the local library, as you're a book lover.

Tara

No, before that they were going to fire me. I only told them about the AS, so they could try to understand that it wasn't totally my fault. I can't hear if I'm screaming or whispering - and it's SO difficult to communicate with them any ways! I'm going to fill out apps until Wed., when I have an appointment with the vocational rehab center. I'm thinking since they're used to working with people who have disabilites (that annoys me, by the way - I've been told to look at my behavior as not a disability, but as an obstacle that I have to learn how to go around), so may be I can find something which suits me. Something with more of a quieter environment. Today, for example, I got snipped at for something. I thought one of the managers said to taste the ketchup in the dining room. I was feeling sick (woke up this morning with body aches and a sore throat) and some what nauseated, so no way did I want to taste the ketchup! Then the cashier told me he meant change the ketchup. That made a world of difference, lol. Started the morning off wrong, though :-( But oh well, like my mom says - each new experience is a learning experience. And this time, at least I didn't have a full knock down melt down. Only lasted two hours - I think that's fairly good, considering I had been fighting one all day. Part of the problem was that they changed my schedule and cut my hours. So my lunch hour went from being 10 to 4. I can't go 7 hours without eating, as I'm diabetic. And the meds for that don't allow me to eat solids in the morning - its all liquid. At any rate, I've even managed to cheer myself up some. And tomorrow is another day - I'm going to call up the manager of Target and tell him he can hire me at full time :-D (once I get up the nerve to, grrr). Have a good day, Serenity