I was wondering what you all think.
My husband comes and goes as he pleases, and most of the time does not bother to tell anyone that he is leaving or that he will be late. He is late for almost everything, but when he is late getting home, he never calls to say that he will be late or why. When visiting others, or at home, he just leaves when he wants to. Is this an Aspie trait? Or just another of his quirks?

Well, it IS aspielike, but there is no valid reason for him to behave that way if you have sat down with him to explain what you would like him to do instead. Have a couple of valid reasons to show him how his actions cause problems. If he won't change, YOU change. If he misses dinner because he never told you, it's his problem. He can have the cold food. He needs to see the issue, then make the decisions as to how to behave based on the consequences that will happen.

What would be really Aspielike would be if he just didn't realize he was causing distress to others by this behavior.

BKG makes a good point that just because it is an Aspie symptom doesn't mean you have to accept it, but like Mom4Max in another context, makes it so concisely that a detail I think important may be obscured.

You would probably dismiss most people who behaved this way as selfish and not worth your further consideration, but you obviously realize that this would not be a good response to your husband. Assuming this is in fact essentially an Aspie quality, it is reasonable to take three unusual factors into account:

(1) Aspies are very poor at reading the body language of others, so often the others assume that their distress at the Aspie's behavior is evident, while the Aspie has noticed nothing unusual. I agree with BKG (Bart) that it would be a good idea to make quite sure that he understands this causes you serious distress, undermining the marriage. Tell him exactly what you want him to do. Ask if he thinks he can manage this, of if he wants to modify the 'rule' to something he can manage.

(2) Many social conventions seem totally arbitrary (or even perverse) to an Aspie. Adding a new 'rule' he is expected to obey without understanding why might be much more of a burden than you think. If he understands you really appreciate his efforts to accomodate you, and that his life will also be better as a result (because you can adjust your schedule somewhat to his if you know what his is), he will be more willing to make the effort.

(3) For many Aspies, having to deal with the various social interactions at work is extremely stressful. When they get home, they have to deal with equally stressful interactions with wife and children. It's not that they don't love their wives, it's just that a wife who has had no adult company during the day is just longing to burst out with a long emotional chat, while his main wish is just to be alone. If this is the problem, he may not be calling to tell you he'll be late because he knows you'll ask why, and he sure doesn't want to tell you he can't bear the thought of seeing you just now. If you could allow him some time by himself when he gets home, the problem may diminish considerably.

What I'm really saying is that the two of you have to find a way of living together you both enjoy - his Aspergers does not give him a free pass (so far I'm sure I have the complete agreement of both M4M and Bart) but that his AS does mean you may have to explore a wider set of possibilities to find that way. The less you find yourself thinking "he OUGHT to ....." rather than "I wonder if he'd be willing and able to ....." the more likely you are to succeed.

Umm - I think it might be more of a guy/husband thing as I have experienced it and most of my friends have to. I think you just have to keep pointing out that it worries you and stresses you out and you really need him to let you know. Now, the tricky part....if you get mad at him when he calls to tell you he will be late he will just stop calling. So just bite your tongue and say "Thanks so much for letting me know, I really appreciate it!"

Linda

Learn to enjoy being away from him, let yourself relax rather than worrying. He will then want to spend more time with you, because the less overbearing you are towards someone, the more they enjoy your company.

I think it is inconsiderate to not let your partner know what your plans are or when to expect you. You are working together as a team. Perhaps the reason he does not come home has nothing to do with not enjoying her company but rather he wants to feel unfettered. Again, basic good manners apply to all and he should call if he is going to be late aspie or not, male or female, spouse or friend. It is just common courtesy.

Linda

It may be common courtesy, but it needs to be trained. If it is expected without instructions, it probably won't happen.

Bart's right. I had to train my husband to let me know where he goes and when he'll be home. I just explained to him that it was because I care about him and I worry about him otherwise.

I've tried explaining. It didn't work. He just doesn't understand the need. It used to REALLY stress me out, but it doesn't so much anymore. Sometimes it aggravates me, if it is very late. But, usually I just teasingly ask when he walks in, "Did you forget where you lived again?" He knows I am teasing, so it doesn't bother him.
He just teases me back and says, "Yeah."
I work too, so I get plenty of intelligent conversation during the day, and I don't press him to talk when he gets home. I honestly think that he is just off in his own little world and doesn't think about bothering to check in with others.
It's a little embarrasing when family or friends notice and say something about him just leaving (from their homes, or wherever) whenever he pleases without saying anything to anyone.
As long as I can just try not to let it bother me, things are not so stressful.

I have to laugh at your comment about him just leaving some friend's house. I used to have a friend who was quite likely an unidentified aspie. People would visit him, because of a particular cause he would be following, and he'd host the meeting for it, and all of a sudden, he'd say, "Okay. That's long enough. Everyone should leave now," and he'd hold the door open till they left. I noticed that I was the only one who thought this was quite reasonable of him, and others were always irritated. :D

That is hilarious Bart!

I agree with you Soblessed - your attitude will determine the way friends and family react to his quirks. I have a bestest friend who is engaged to my husbands bestest friend (who is my old boyfriend but that is another story) anyway, he is bizarre, sweet, loving but definitely bizarre. When I used to date him I was embarrassed by some of his actions. My friend just takes it all in her stride, she does not believe his actions reflect on her in any way (there is a strong sense of self!) even though he is her boyfriend. She just loves him to death and is not bothered by these things. However, if she IS bothered by something she has no problem speaking up to him about it and letting him know it is not Ok. I think because she accepts him in so many ways he is glad to toe the line on these few issues. So maybe something like, I dont' mind if you leave a party I understand when you have had enough you have had enough BUT I do need you to call me when you are going to be late so I dont' worry - I won't mind that you are going to be late but I do need to know.

Linda

I think the best option is as suggested - explain why it's an issue for you. Have done the leaving and no calls when late (and then been retrained!).

Would suggest re the just leaving - tell him he needs to tell you he's leaving - because you might want to leave with him, you want to know where he is, so you dont spend a lot of time looking for him to discover he's already gone. Maybe agree he can sms (txt) you tto tell you so he doesnt have to enter a crowd. Or leave a note in your car or something that releives him of the (possibly quite considerable) effort of entering a social situation. Re it being embarressing him going without telling anyone else - that's his issue not yours - he's an adult and can break social conventions if he wishes - but communication with you is part of the 'relationship deal'.

The calling to be late... Much harder - for me it was always I'd get tied up with something or sidetracked - I'd left with plenty of time to get home and then saw a something that distracted me. Get him a cellphone and sms/txt/call him and ask him where he is - nothing wrong with being proactive I've got into the habit of ringing and stating my plans for the 'way home' including any stops - my wife finds this easier as she has an understanding of where I am and what might delay me. I've got better at working out which stops might end up going over time and I tell her this too - like a friend who shares a special interest for instance And I have a cellphone so I can be contacted if needed. Also be proactive with him in explaining why he shouldnt be late on certain occasions. 'This is important to me' should be a valid reason if not overused - but be prepared to fully explain if required.

HTH
Andrew

I had a friend like this. It was wonderful - he was the only person I'd visit where I didn't need to worry I'd missed the "you've been here too long" cues...

I change my advice!

Learn from his freedom .

Thanks, Bart!
It's good to think of it as a funny quirk. It has taken a lot of years, but most (not all yet) of his irritating habits I have finally come to accept as just the way he is. He sees no reason to change them and has no intention of changing them. So, I might as well just deal with them and move on, trying not to be offended or hurt.

People tend to change when you stop trying to change them. In part, because when you stop trying to change someone, you yourself have changed. Then they follow your lead :-).

I think what we're all getting from this is that timekeeping varies from Aspie to Aspie. It's what the individual's attitude to being late or early is that marks their "trait". If, as has already been said, they are late all the time and don't notify anyone because they aren't thinking about what anybody else might think, that's probably the Aspergers pulling through. Some, by contrast, make a habit of being early simply because they feel they have to be- but if they are close to meltdown mode because they have been slowed down in the traffic, or have a go at you for arriving at their house at 6.34 when you said you'd make it for 6.25, that again might be more the Aspergers than the timekeeping: my father and grandfather were examples of the two extremes of this matter.

(I'm somewhere in between on this, but that's more because of having an NT mother to nag me.)

you know if you were not there when he got home, he would feel like he landed on a different planet.

maybe try it.

That sounds like fun (and it made me laugh), but there are too many little people involved who need to maintain bedtimes!

Wow! That sounds so much like him! I never thought of his after work wanderings as "getting distracted." That insight might help. After several years, we have finally conquered the special occasions tardiness as well. It used to drive me crazy that he wouldn't show up at family gatherings on time for major holidays. He has successfully been "re-trained" (as you put it), although that word makes me think of training a dog.
Thanks for the insights!

Another thought - think about the 'what happens when he gets home' routine. Is he immediately immersed in the minutiae of household life? Or can he go somewhere quiet?

From my own perspective, after a day of work I need to find a quiet place to regather myself. If he's not getting that at home (I say 'hello' then go into my office for 30 minutes) he may be dawdling on the way to get that space, possibly without realising why...

WEll, he just did it again!! I finally got in touch at 8pm by cell phone (after 3 attempts over an hour's time). He was golfing with a coworker!
I very calmly asked, "Did you forget where you lived again?" I was given the standard, "Yeah."
He said "Well, you weren't home earlier, and I figured you would call when you got home." I had to work late, which is very unusual. It was a very calm, cheerful, conversation...no accusations. I just told him that I wondered where he was, that he should have called, and told him to have a good time.
Oh, and he doesn't get any extra stress from the Household when he gets home. He immediately immerses himself into the world of TV sports! That is a whole different aggravating subject for another time. But, no, we don't attack him with life and family. I think maybe he just gets a little lost on the way home...at least that is how I am starting to think of it, since you so kindly explained that it is like getting distracted. And, I am even beginning to consider...just beginning...to think a little more kindly of the sports addiction!

My NT wife is the one who can forget to call for days at a time on a work road trip. Doesn't bother me at all. She gets locked into a mission, and deviating from it only throws her off in most cases. It's her only even faintly AS-like quality, lol, but it makes sense to me.

I tend to be quite good at calling, but mainly from an organizational standpoint. And there's no issue of whether I'd get any flak - she never nags about anything. Not sure if that's part of it; she would never say, "No, you can't do that tonight, because of..."

Easier on all this with no kids involved, for sure.

Earlier I mentioned that the idea of "retraining" my husband made me feel uncomfortable (at least with the phrasing), but I think now, that maybe I am the one who is being "retrained"! I'm learning how to cope without getting upset over his wierd quirks, and at least attempting to discuss it with him (even though I am highly doubtful that he will actually stick to our "deal" to call if he is going to be late). In the end, I think of course we both need some "training", but it has already made my life a little less stressful to change my own mindset. So, here is to retraining! My own~

If by "retraining" you end up meaning "inflicting psychic pain for coercive purposes", then I appreciate your concern. Also if you end up denying what you're doing.

If you can tell him "this really bothers me, and I hope you can learn to remember, so I will lovingly remind you whenever you forget - and even more lovingly thank you whenever you remember" how would he react?

Oh, I wasn't thinking that deeply, John. It was just that the word "retraining" made me think of a puppy instead of a person.

A close male relative of mine likes a lot of time to himself (always has) and works long hours but his wife gets upset because she thinks it means he doesn't care about her and the kids.

He does call her now to say he'll be late and is trying to find a job where the hours are fewer so he can spend more time at home.