I was wondering what you all think.
My husband comes and goes as he pleases, and most of the time does not bother to tell anyone that he is leaving or that he will be late. He is late for almost everything, but when he is late getting home, he never calls to say that he will be late or why. When visiting others, or at home, he just leaves when he wants to. Is this an Aspie trait? Or just another of his quirks?

Well, it IS aspielike, but there is no valid reason for him to behave that way if you have sat down with him to explain what you would like him to do instead. Have a couple of valid reasons to show him how his actions cause problems. If he won't change, YOU change. If he misses dinner because he never told you, it's his problem. He can have the cold food. He needs to see the issue, then make the decisions as to how to behave based on the consequences that will happen.

What would be really Aspielike would be if he just didn't realize he was causing distress to others by this behavior.

BKG makes a good point that just because it is an Aspie symptom doesn't mean you have to accept it, but like Mom4Max in another context, makes it so concisely that a detail I think important may be obscured.

You would probably dismiss most people who behaved this way as selfish and not worth your further consideration, but you obviously realize that this would not be a good response to your husband. Assuming this is in fact essentially an Aspie quality, it is reasonable to take three unusual factors into account:

(1) Aspies are very poor at reading the body language of others, so often the others assume that their distress at the Aspie's behavior is evident, while the Aspie has noticed nothing unusual. I agree with BKG (Bart) that it would be a good idea to make quite sure that he understands this causes you serious distress, undermining the marriage. Tell him exactly what you want him to do. Ask if he thinks he can manage this, of if he wants to modify the 'rule' to something he can manage.

(2) Many social conventions seem totally arbitrary (or even perverse) to an Aspie. Adding a new 'rule' he is expected to obey without understanding why might be much more of a burden than you think. If he understands you really appreciate his efforts to accomodate you, and that his life will also be better as a result (because you can adjust your schedule somewhat to his if you know what his is), he will be more willing to make the effort.

(3) For many Aspies, having to deal with the various social interactions at work is extremely stressful. When they get home, they have to deal with equally stressful interactions with wife and children. It's not that they don't love their wives, it's just that a wife who has had no adult company during the day is just longing to burst out with a long emotional chat, while his main wish is just to be alone. If this is the problem, he may not be calling to tell you he'll be late because he knows you'll ask why, and he sure doesn't want to tell you he can't bear the thought of seeing you just now. If you could allow him some time by himself when he gets home, the problem may diminish considerably.

What I'm really saying is that the two of you have to find a way of living together you both enjoy - his Aspergers does not give him a free pass (so far I'm sure I have the complete agreement of both M4M and Bart) but that his AS does mean you may have to explore a wider set of possibilities to find that way. The less you find yourself thinking "he OUGHT to ....." rather than "I wonder if he'd be willing and able to ....." the more likely you are to succeed.

Umm - I think it might be more of a guy/husband thing as I have experienced it and most of my friends have to. I think you just have to keep pointing out that it worries you and stresses you out and you really need him to let you know. Now, the tricky part....if you get mad at him when he calls to tell you he will be late he will just stop calling. So just bite your tongue and say "Thanks so much for letting me know, I really appreciate it!"

Linda

Learn to enjoy being away from him, let yourself relax rather than worrying. He will then want to spend more time with you, because the less overbearing you are towards someone, the more they enjoy your company.

I think it is inconsiderate to not let your partner know what your plans are or when to expect you. You are working together as a team. Perhaps the reason he does not come home has nothing to do with not enjoying her company but rather he wants to feel unfettered. Again, basic good manners apply to all and he should call if he is going to be late aspie or not, male or female, spouse or friend. It is just common courtesy.

Linda

It may be common courtesy, but it needs to be trained. If it is expected without instructions, it probably won't happen.

Bart's right. I had to train my husband to let me know where he goes and when he'll be home. I just explained to him that it was because I care about him and I worry about him otherwise.

I've tried explaining. It didn't work. He just doesn't understand the need. It used to REALLY stress me out, but it doesn't so much anymore. Sometimes it aggravates me, if it is very late. But, usually I just teasingly ask when he walks in, "Did you forget where you lived again?" He knows I am teasing, so it doesn't bother him.
He just teases me back and says, "Yeah."
I work too, so I get plenty of intelligent conversation during the day, and I don't press him to talk when he gets home. I honestly think that he is just off in his own little world and doesn't think about bothering to check in with others.
It's a little embarrasing when family or friends notice and say something about him just leaving (from their homes, or wherever) whenever he pleases without saying anything to anyone.
As long as I can just try not to let it bother me, things are not so stressful.

I have to laugh at your comment about him just leaving some friend's house. I used to have a friend who was quite likely an unidentified aspie. People would visit him, because of a particular cause he would be following, and he'd host the meeting for it, and all of a sudden, he'd say, "Okay. That's long enough. Everyone should leave now," and he'd hold the door open till they left. I noticed that I was the only one who thought this was quite reasonable of him, and others were always irritated. :D