I'm not sure car sales would be a good business for an aspie to go into. Most aspies are honest to a fault and wouldn't generally be able to gloss over faults in a car. They might do better with new cars.

Is Best Buy like a warehouse surplus shop or something? It's important to remember that aspies often don't care a real lot about money or material possessions so a 6 figure salary might not be such a big incentive to an aspie as it would be to other people.

This young man obviously wants what money can't buy - a secure home base and a job he feels comfortable with even if it is low paid.

Best Buy is a chain of electronics and consumer durables stores.

I'm not primarily concerned that he's not earning enough money, though I have pointed out that most American males end up supporting wives, ex-wives, children, etc., and that his current paycheck won't cover such things.

My main concern is that he is obviously not enjoying life. Are my (and my wife's) expressions of concern and support making him more depressed, or are they helping him find a way forward? Clearly, children can continue to worry their parents even after they are technically adults!

I think he's sensible not getting mixed up with women if it's going to get so expensive; or that he meets one who has an independent income. He just might not want to get married or even have a girlfriend, and these days, quite a few people never marry.

The rat race and the white picket fence and 2.2 kids is not for all of us and it would be a boring world indeed if everybody were the very same.

Is there a hobby he could take up where he might meet some like-minded people, or even an adult aspie support group in the area?

Is he actually saying he is unhappy/feeling in a rut etc.? Some of us are told quite constantly to "cheer up" because we rarely smile but just because we don't smile doesn't mean we are depressed. I can't speak for your son as I don't know him but this is a point to consider.

Anything that could be construed by your son as pressure to "get a better job", "get a girlfriend" etc. is likely to be counterproductive, making your son dig his heels in further and be totally averse to considering any change to his current behaviours.

It often takes us years later than most to work out what we want out of life and then to decide how to get there. I'm in my 40's and still have far to go.

Not only does he never smile, he stays in bed till noon on his days off and shows other signs of depression. I try not to pressure him, but I can't persuade my wife to hold her tongue. As I type, she's telling him he should look for anothr job.

John, I don't know how you can do it, but somehow if you could only persuade your wife not to tell him to look for another job it would be much better for all concerned.

Does your son want another job? If not, you can talk to him till you're blue in the face and all you'll ever get is frustrated and he will resent what he sees as nagging.

I reacted in much the same way to "pep talks" and "self-improvement lectures" when I was younger. Unless there is a way your son sees a way to directly benefit from making any kind of change (and keeping in mind his motivators are not necessarily money and status), he will resist any attempt to change him.

Just keeping up a "normal front" at work exhausts us so it's not so strange that your lad sleeps in of a weekend. Is he on any medication for depression? Sometimes it has the side effect of causing extreme drowsiness. Trying to defend against what he sees as "nagging" and "pressure" also saps the energy.

I wonder does he think you are trying to push him out of the nest so he can be left on his own and he's petrified about how he will cope? Up until I left home to go to college, I was protected from much of the bullying and nastiness I copped in college and at work. My concerns about this happening were pooh-poohed at the time but were very accurate as it so happened.

Please, even if you have to bribe your wife, impress upon her how futile it is to pressure your boy. Pep talks rarely work with aspies. It's a bummer but continuing along that vein is like continually bashing one's head against a brick wall.

I would think your son takes your wifes comments to look for a "better" job as "the job you have is not good enough - you are not good enough". I could be wrong here but I can see him taking that slant on it and yes that would be depressing. Especially if he is doing the best he can and happy with his efforts. I remember not long ago he was given the responsibility of doing some purchasing for them that show they appreciate his contributions. He may be feeling like whatever he does is not (as Max would say) "good enough for you people!".

Linda

Agreed! He probably feels as if all his effort in getting a job (usually very difficult for an aspie) has gone down the toilet. Not only that, he's now expected to go through all the rigmarole of getting a "better job".

What happens if he quits his current job and can't get another one that's higher paying? If he's happy or even just reasonably content, what's wrong with staying where he is?

I can't stress too strongly that he needs to be allowed to be who he is and do what's best for him because it's obvious he will become more and more unhappy and resentful if he is continually pressured.

If you get major criticism when you do your best, criticism that is almost equal to what you get if not trying anything at all, where is the incentive to try? I've told people straight out, "I've just finished a project; I'm proud of it, and I don't want to hear anything but compliments about it from you." The last thing I need is my ego being eroded. I've worked too hard to build it up over the years, and while I can deal a bit with small amounts of criticism from strangers (as I can write off their 'value' in my life) I cannot do the same with people who are valuable in my life. I cannot write off my mother and her opinion as worthless, so it is not good if that opinion is too strongly negative unless it is a very serious issue.

Yes. I also felt that after finishing a degree, my efforts weren't appreciated since I'd been so often told there would be no trouble in finding work afterwards.

Then, when it took six months to find a job and I was getting pressure from my family to take a job, any job, and go "doorknocking", I started having some pretty bad meltdowns.

One afternoon, I was playing music in my room. Dad said something to mum (it wasn't loud but he must have heard it a bit) and she said "don't worry dear, she'll be gone soon". I was so hurt and felt they couldn't wait to get rid of me. My first job didn't work out because they expected me to take phone calls from angry clients when I hadn't been taught properly and mum was really angry when I quit after 3 weeks. She said "you must be mentally ill or something!".

Yet, my parents were good people and I realise they wanted the best for me but I would NOT want to ever have to apply for another job ever again! It was hard enough back in 1983; it must be really difficult now.

So, bringing it back to John's son, he probably feels that he can do nothing to please his parents (especially his mum)and also that they can't wait to get rid of him so they can sell up and move interstate. No wonder the poor boy is acting so depressed!