Karin,
Your situation sounds much like mine. It was just easier for me to do it as my husband will take forever to make the simplest decision but it is lonely and if you make the wrong decision it is all on you.
Linda

a marriage wherein both husband and wife gain energy and vitality when together and both are sustained by that energy and vitality when apart seems unlikely to be anything but treasured by both husband and wife during the lifetime they may have together.

i've seen gleaming in the saying that 'a person who does not know himself cannot know another'; that seems elemental to accomplishing such a marriage.

i'd say that necessarily before that comes the willingness to do whatever needs to be done to remember birthdays and anniversaries.



regards,

i feel odd about my post just above.

i will return to it
with more time than i now have.



regards,

On the other hand, if they don't remember a birthday or anniversay, I don't think you should hold it against them. I've had many a holiday skipped and it loses it's meaning if you try to make them "fix" it. The present? Big Deal. In our area it is mostly people that work in the mill and I don't know if there's a type of mentality that goes with that, but the majority of the men do not remember the holidays, or if they do, they don't take enough time to learn what their spouse wants and just get them something. Not all are like that, but it's very common. I get a lot of women who are crying because so and so just forgot it again. Too much emphasis can be put on an occasion like that. How do they treat you the rest of the time? I give more value to that. And if I really want a present, I mark the calendar, remind him, and tell him exactly what I want. It still doesn't always work.

I always remember key dates, moreso than my NT wife.

To me it's an organizational thing. When a new year starts, I take my work calendar and mark down those dates. And I look at that calendar every day.

Even so, I'd remember anyway, and to be honest I don't claim it as simply romantic. It's just second nature for whatever reason. I guess because my job has deadlines and key dates set months in advance, and you have to meticulously keep track of them if you want to do your job well (I often wind up at court hearings that rivals have forgotten were coming. Their loss.).

My AS twin brother doesn't remember this stuff; my sister-in-law used to sigh slightly at the difference, but like the other women here she seems to recognize that it's not at all a slight against the importance of the relationship. He's an excellent husband and father, and that's worth a helluva lot more than some roses and a box of chocolates. Lots of snakes/manipulators out there push those buttons with ruthless effectiveness.

mrs. megorium, i don't have your given name and, as surnames are awkwardly formal for informal use, may i ask if there a name i may use as your given name? i could call you "mom" if you like

returning to the matter:


naturally not, but i do find myself irked for several reasons when encountering implications of nonsense thought elsewhere.


yes, that valued is easily lost in the effort to "fix", and unless root cause is fixed with the "fix" (no doubt a rare thing) the effort to "fix" is almost guaranteed to prolong the loss while adding a further depressing character.


yes. the causitive attitude and its reinforcements make it actually worse, but yes.


that is perhaps not so, but some responses to such happenings are certainly far better than others.


there's the more value.


though just cause may be seen, and so seen as cause, i do not imagine it easy for anyone who takes such things seriously to account for the failure of a reminder like that; just cause? what just cause the best the day was?


regards,

I chose the title Mrs. Megorium because our favorite show is Mr. Megoriums Wonder Emporiums and to a great extent we live that way. I try to keep our home low pressure and I am quite unusual in my parenting approach. You may come up with something creative if you wish. Just feel free to let me know.

I suppose I sounded a little cynical. That was not my intent. My husband is not by nature romantic and I would rather have an honest compliment about my character or a bag of M&M's for no reason at all than have him feel the pressure of trying to figure out the right gift.

I think relationships are very tricky and require a lot of work. Sometimes it means giving up the impression that the romantic movies give us. Many of us may long for it, but we don't really have the right to change our spouse, merely the right to love them as they are, just like my daughter with Asperger's.

When I was young and first married, believe me, I'd read way too many Harlequin Romances. I needed to grow up. I was shallow. It does hurt when they forget or mess up a holiday, but it is not usually out of malice in my husband's case.

And just one more note, the cost of the give does not equal the value of the sentiment. The thought does.


As for women who call me up crying, I don't wish to sound calloused. It's just that usually it's because they didn't get what they wanted. This causes friction and what could have been possibly a relatively good day is fraught with tension and blame. It takes a bigger person to let these things go and to look at the big picture.

Usually when I ask my husband for a specific thing, it is actually a need in our house and I am thankful to get it. I would love frivolous things, but it is quite impractical and would be a poor decision. Seven years ago I would have laughed at what I'm writing now. You have to grow up sometime.

By the way, I adore romance movies, don't get me wrong. However, my reality is far different than a movie and I can't live my life on a selfish emotion. (I am not saying that is every case, just mine.) If I spent my life focusing on what I didn't have, I wouldn't have the strenth to go on, so I focus on what I do have.

Right now I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as Elizabeth is not doing well and it is turning the house upside down as everything is new to us still and I don't know how to parent this yet. I would love to talk to Mom4Max about some womanly advice, but it should not be a topic of general conversation.

drawn to this thread by a digressive matter involving sense, i first addressed the far larger matter implyed by the detail i saw the thread's subject doing.

as it happens, that matter is large in life before me, and as it happens i know very very well what being naked before a public is like.

shielding though of possible paths to it, i supposed a thing, something in and of that far larger matter, something i think possible and of value.

that "far larger matter" properly placed, i brought forth a thing i believe to be deeply and truly part of this supposed thing, doing so to demonstrate something of my thought of the difficulty involved; doing so i revealed something of my thought about myself: where i am now, and as i am now; only then did i address that digressive matter that first drew me to this thread.

now, much later in the day, i see why i've been bothered about what i wrote: that 'last thought', that digressive matter, its nature and cause, does not belong on the same page of what came before it, it does not belong in the same mind that addressed what came before it, yet it was the last thought on that page.

i will continue to think of that supposed thing, and i will in time forget having made this error, but i will go to bed tonight knowing myself capable of errors like that, think of errors that i may in the future make, and do that able only to guess what recent hours have been like when my mind turns to that thought.



regards,

I did not notice an error, only sincerity. You will have to be more specific if you wish me to know exactly where you erred. You think far more eloquently than I am used to and it takes a bit of meditation for me to understand. However, you write beautifully.

Pardon me, but I must ask directly...have I digressed?

By the way, my husband actually bought me a bag of M&M's for no good reason and I had to sneak into my room to cry as I was so touched.