In the last few years I have on occaision given my AS son various pointers which IMHO predict the probability of a successful marriage. These may be of use to young men in general, but they may be particularly useful to Aspies, whose instincts for human relationships desperately need supplementing with concious guidelines.

Movies etc. project an image of 'falling in love' and then 'living happily ever after'. I remember a pop song in which a man departs his woman singing "the feelings gone and I just can't get it back". Dangerous nonsense! When two people marry with the intent to have children, they are making a commitment to stay together for the twenty years it takes to raise those children. No-one can possibly promise to 'have a feeling' twenty years from now. One can promise to act lovingly toward someone twenty years from now, regardless of one's feelings. This is not a promise that one is likely to be able to keep with perfect fidelity, but the degree to which one keeps it is the best single predictor of the success of the marriage.

If both are reasonably determined to act lovingly, the whole thing actually works out surprisingly well. A small act of affection on your part will evoke a positive response most of the time, and her reaction will make your next act of affection almost automatic. You can choose to do your best to maintain this delightful feedback loop, but how do you know if she will do her part?

There is a little-known scientific fact which provides a very sensitive test of a woman's goodwill once a genuinely intimate relationship is established. The combination of male sweat and skin bacteria produces a distictive odor that women normally find somewhat unpleasant. When a woman is close to ovulation, her senses change so that she now finds this same odor attractive, as long as it is not too strong. When a woman notices this attractive scent, she is pulled in two directions. If she is mainly motivated by a desire to make you happy, she will say something like "you smell so manly". Opposing this is a desire to keep asserting the moral superiority of women, and she is partially aware that this is the same smell she sometimes finds unatractive, so she still has some urge to say "why don't you take a shower?" So my advice to young men is never to marry a woman who has never told you you smell manly. (Also, unless you want children immediately, be extra careful of your birth control arrangements right after she says this!)

Other advice is more conventional. You see your girlfriend through a haze of sexual desire and/or delight, so it's almost impossible to judge her rationally. Instead, look at her mother, who you see much more objectively. Do you like her? How does she treat her husband? Even if your GF hates her mother, that is the model on which she will base her treatment of you. Twenty years from now your GF will look and act just like her mother does now. This can be a sobering thought.

One final thought - if you do decide to propose, insist that the wedding take place about a week after your birthday. Whatever the objections, stand firm on this one. Women very much want to be married, and will give way on the date if they must, and you will be much happier. NT women put an amazing value on their husbands' remembering anniversaries, and AS men find them very difficult to remember. This way, one day you will get an (unexpected?) birthday present, and will say to yourself "goodness, yes. I must go find an anniversary gift." You have no idea how big a difference this will make. This remedy is absolutely foolproof - the year your wife burst into tears that you forgot you can put your arm round her and say softly "honey, I didn't know what to do - I thought buying you an anniversary gift might make you embarrassed you forgot my birthday!"

Or, like my twin, you can marry women who have the exact same birthday as each other! (true story, though they weren't born in the same year)

In the modern age, one can set up a foolproof email reminder that notifies you when it's a selected number of days before an important event.

also, people often act just like - or just opposite of - the same-gender parent they grew up with. that can go either way.

Maybe......

I remember vividly my father complaining about his father, and then acting the same way to me. Now I find myself behaving the same way to my son, although I try hard not to. I can't think of an example from my own experience of someone acting the opposite, but I wouldn't dispute that it can happen. I wouldn't advise marrying a woman on that expectation, though.

I just remembered another saying that I think contains a lot of wisdom...........'a woman marries hoping her husband will change - a man marries hoping his wife will not - both are disappointed.'

Brilliant, John.

Well.... I'm glad my (almost definitely) Aspie husband didn't put his entire judgment into looking at my mom - and he certainly had the opportunity to - she was an alcoholic and probably bi-polar, and died a year after we were married. I don't drink, and while I have many issues, I'm not bi-polar... :-)

He did choose the wedding date however - Valentine's Day - so he could remember it. He wanted Halloween, but figured I wouldn't wait that long (had already been engaged 6 years by then). He did ask if I would consider changing my birthday to 2/14... and has only in the last few years gotten it firmly fixed in his head, but that doesn't bother me. He also still can't tell you what color my eyes are, what size I wear, or many other personal details - but he does all my electrical work for my glassworking, and has never once complained about my hobbies, weight, friends, or anything else that many 'NT' husbands do.

I think the biggest predictor of a lasting marriage for an Aspie guy and an NT girl is whether or not the woman KNOWS that she is not going to get the emotional feedback - the 'touchy-feely' stuff of romance novels. If she can fill that need somewhere else (talking with her female friends, therapy, romance novels, whatever) and not let it eat at her, things go much better.

"but he does all my electrical work for my glassworking, and has never once complained about my hobbies, weight, friends, or anything else that many 'NT' husbands do."

Yes, that's the answer for both men and women in marriage.

Do you focus on what they DON'T do, or on what they DO?

My wife never nags me - and pardon me if I can't think of any flaws right now.

Did I mention that she never nags?



(ok, she also keeps getting told that she looks like Britney Spears, too, which isn't a bad catch for a guy my age, lol)

That's true, but isn't it really just a piece of your commitment to make the marriage work, despite his imperfections. You also realize that his behavior to you is not indicative of a lack of commitment on his part, just that he can't do it.

I do my best to do the touchy-feely for my wife. I'm sure I don't do it well, but she seems to appreciate that I'm doing my best. Of course my son has yet to learn that there's no point in being hostile to someone who's doing his best. Hopefully, he'll learn.

A realistic marriage, and one that is more likely to last, is one in which both partners realize that they are not going to change the other person. So if you go into it knowing that there is something you dislike and cannot live with, you are doomed from the start, unless you are willing to learn to change YOUR response to it. We can only change ourselves...

And the other piece is as you said, a commitment on both sides to make a marriage work. Something that sadly seems to be lacking in many.

Yes, and popular culture's stress on 'feelings' is a prime culprit.

By the way, do you ever find yourself acting toward your husband in the less fortunate ways your mother acted toward your father?

I don't think so, but I would need someone more objective to tell me for sure. :-) I despise confrontation (we both do), so I certainly never yell at him (a common occurence at my house growing up.) I rarely even disagree with him, there's no point. Don't use sarcasm, because he hates it and has said so. Don't drink, so I'm never drunk when he gets home :-)

That said, I have my own annoying habits that he graciously (for the most part) ignores. I spend too much money on craft supplies (I knit, make glass beads, dishes, etc), books and clothes. On the other hand, I also work fulltime, make more than he does, and we pay our cc's off every month. My weight fluctuates constantly; he wears the same size clothing he wore in high school 40 years ago (31" waist).

But I think the biggest problem is that I have let his lack of desire to talk about things, and the fact that I do everything concerning the kids, turn into I make the decisions regarding the kids, and we rarely discuss them (the decisions.) Actually, that's probably true for just about everything, if it is something I can do on my own, I will just make the decision and do it. It works, keeps me from going nuts waiting for him to think it through and make a choice, but it's gotten pretty lonely here lately, and it doesn't make for much of a partnership....