Whatever I signed up for, it certainly isn't what the vast majority of people (NTs mainly I guess) are connected to. I understand the typical NT outlook (popularity, fitting in, mirroring cultural habits) fairly well, although I can't relate to it. Trouble is, I have no interest in those sorts of things.

Yes, I would like to "fit in", but I want to fit in with a group that respects me for who I am, not for how I can fake myself up. I've never been good at that sort of thing. Typical Aspie behavior, I know, but it makes fitting in with those people who enjoy expressing shallow social behavioral characteristics difficult, if not downright distasteful. Surely there must be a group of NTs I can be with who can accept, if not understand completely, my unique Aspie qualities? That's my ultimate goal.

The more I understand how unique I am, the more healthy pride I have for myself. I don't want to pretend to be someone else, but I do want other human beings to share my life. A quandary I am still sorting through...

Don't worry here the thing all you need is 1 very good friend you don't need a group. If you try a group if you NT or AS
Int eh end some people in the group will not like you and some will like you.
In the end best to find 1 very good friend.
Just trying to help here.
Their is always that 1 person who will understand you and get along with you well.

I have had the "one good friend" dynamic going since childhood and up until last year, when it suddenly came to a screeching halt. (Please don't ask, it's very personal.) The other "one good friend" passed away in 2005, as I mentioned earlier. I understood even then that I need more than just one person in my life. There is the intimate companionship aspect that one does not get with platonic relationships, as well as the feeling of belonging one gets from a "family" type relationship dynamic. I don't care if the family in question is blood related or not. I don't think that's of vital importance. So yeah, one good friend is better than "no good friends", but it's still not enough to fulfill those pesky inner needs.

Well, life is a series of compromises. If your employer wants you at work, but you'd rather stay in bed, you have a choice. At least your employer tells you some of his requirements, but for friends you have to figure it out for yourself.

Usually the simple rituals of politeness go a long way, saying please and thankyou, how happy you are to be with the other person, etc.

Ultimately, you have to decide which parts of you are core to your being, and which you are willing to modify for convenience. Just as you cut your fingernails to make it easier to use your hands, so you say thankyou to make social events go more smoothly. One could argue that your fingernails are an essential part of you that you are not willing to mutilate, which sounds to me about as impractical as the arguement that saying thankyou is hypocritical.

You do have choices, and even an Aspie is responsible for the results of the choices he makes.

I agree with that 100% - good analogy John.
Linda

I understand the basic social niceties. What I'm talking about is all the higher-order social interplay that is actually very complicated (and that NTs seem to take for granted) and seems to be the major cause of my deficits in understanding and successfully responding to other human beings. I'm a flippin' fish out of water with that kind of stuff. It's like being on stage with a bunch of other people who know the script by heart and you were never given a script. Just some basic Cliff Notes. I can get by with the Cliff Notes or I wouldn't have been able to acquire two college degrees, buy a house, hold down jobs in the past, etc, but I'm missing out on pretty much everything else. That's a lot of script I don't know and can't seem to get a handle on. The fact that I'm still functioning in this world is basically due to the fact that I have 34 years of "life experience" and learning that has given me a very, very basic understanding of all the stuff my Aspie brain has an incredibly difficult time absorbing.

Basic, rudimentary social interactions used to scare the hell out of me. No foolin'. It has only been through repeated exposure to various social interactions that I have been able to get as far as I've come. I've come to the understanding recently that there is A LOT of social "stuff" (sorry for such a vague term) that NTs are aware of that they just...know. I don't think they would be able to even write this stuff down if they had to. And it's always changing, constantly. That's what floors me. The social interaction dynamics are NEVER the same, even if it's with the same person during a repeated series of social interactions. And we all know it's never that simple. It's always new people, new social interaction dynamics, new environments. Stuff that is incredibly difficult for the Aspies among us to get a handle on.

No wonder I spend most of my time alone. It's incredibly overwhelming. It's safer and much, much easier for me to limit my interactions with others to the point that I can handle all of the social input. I do best with the people I interact with regarding the exchange of goods and services. Grocery store clerks, post office personnel, social interactions where I know "what is expected of me" because I've done it a billion times already. Everything else...Forget About It!!!

That's the kind of thing I've been alluding to previously. Ring any bells anyone? It's this kind of stuff that separates Aspies from NTs. We WANT to fit in (most of us). We just don't posses the "God Given" ability to do so. That's what makes it so frustrating.

PS No offense intended to NTs. I don't even like using that term. It's like an "US Vs. Them" thing. I just don't know what else to call non-Aspies.

As an NT I too find it difficult to interact with people. In my opinion NT's are not comfortable with who they are and then when they have slight nuances, if you are not quick on the uptake, it's very hard to understand. My daughter just went to the Dr. and he asked her a question, then he "repeated" the question. However, he did not repeat it in exactly the same way, therefore, to my daughter, it was a completely different question. To the Dr., she just wasn't giving reliable information. I'm on my daughter's side. A Dr. should know better than to rephrase the "same" (to him) but actually different question and expect the same answer. She was being precise and he was dealing with a patient with diagnosed Asperger's and expecting unspecific answers. The world can be a lonely place, even when you are surrounded by people and it takes someone special to take the time to learn who you really are before you wil be properly appreciated for what you can give. Verbal interaction is a whole other ball game and I don't think NT's do very well at it actually if you listen to them really talk. There are a lot of suppositions. You hear a lot of "well, I could tell by the way that she looked at me that she meant..." That's a guess, not a fact. No one, including NT's, should be relying on that type of information. It is just guesswork. Please don't get discouraged. Do you know how many NT's go to counseling because they are having "communication problems" in their marriage? I'm sorry it's so lonely, but I hope you have found a group that can help you, I know they have really helped me personally and my understanding of my daughter as well. The world is not an easy place. Ideally, people should say what they mean and communication all over the world would improve. Asperger's definitely could teach us a thing or two. Honestly, how much is worth knowing, and at what price do you give up being authentic to conform to the social niceties of others. I'm not saying be offensive, but don't feel ashamed of who you are. I've heard my friends say over and over that they just wish that they could be totally honest with someone. Aspie's can. You're special. Hang in there.

Talking about social niceties and expectations, I had an 'incident' today. I went to a store to buy a LOT of one product. This store carries it, and few others do, so I was prepared to buy 50 or more of this item. However, that requires having one of those large shopping carts. You know the ones, the type where you have to put a coin in it to release the chain. Of course I didn't have the right coin, and the walk was almost a city block to get from the cart place to the store itself. It was very hot, and bright sun. I have hot and bright sun, so I was already at a disadvantage.

After getting into the store, I realized that I would be waiting a long time at a check-out, just to get a coin changed. Not good. I found the 'customer service counter' and waited. People came up behind me, were invited to discuss their concerns, and I was left there, waiting. After 4 people had bypassed me, I practically shouted out, "Am I dead meat, or what?" Shocked looks...

"Sorry, sir. We didn't notice you." (My ass you didn't, you ignored me.) "How can we help you?"

"Well, all I wanted was some change so I could go back out to get a shopping cart, but I don't even want to shop here any more. Just forget it..."

I walked out, and everyone just stood there, wondering what happened.

That's about the level of MY social skills.

Wow. That's pretty good, actually. I had a somewhat similar incident awhile back where I was sitting in a restaurant at the "check in" area, waiting to get a table. I was by myself. Two or three separate groups of people of between 2-3 people per group arrived after me and a server would always suddenly materialize and seat them no questions asked. The server never asked for reservations or anything. No server or waitperson ever came to me during that time and asked if I wanted a table or any of that. They just let all the other people brush on past me and get their tables like I was invisible. Needless to say, I left the restaurant after that and I haven't been back since and I doubt I'll ever go back again. Mind you, I had my typically blank Aspie mind just observing everything in a detached manner during the whole time, unable to figure out what to do and I left feeling very frustrated and angry. Kind of funny to look back on that experience now I have a context for the whole thing.

I have some days where I don't even want to get up and go anywhere. This is a BIG problem when you have to shop weekly (produce, meh) for groceries. Today, I'm not even in the mood to clean all day. I woke up with my legs hurting. Just ate breakfast and am now waiting to get up enough energy to stumble to the coffee pot - so pathetic!

I need to prep my salads, the guineas' breakfast (bell pepper, cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce, and parsley), put away the clean dishes, clean the dirty dishes, and some how finish laundry and get the guinea cages cleaned and their toys and blankets laundered. All I want to do is play Sims

Sigh. Stupid adult hood. I've been in this funk lately - I've done got the degrees and done accomplished that goal; now what to do? I have no friggen' clue!!!

- Serenity