Hi guys, it's me again.

Scenario: Jman is building something with Lego. He is trying to make a switch for one of his powered creations. He cannot figure out how to make it work the way his mind's eye is seeing it so he becomes frustrated. At first, he is only mildly grunting and griping but then at the blink of an eye it starts to get louder and more uncontrolled. I go in to offer my assistance and am met with even more anger. "No! You don't even know what you're doing!" Which is true, but I wanted to help diffuse him before the fit started. I said okay, you are right about that, and walked away. He then got even louder and saying the "I hate this!!" stuff as he tends to but then he said something I'd never heard him say before "I can't make it work and I can't calm down". I was so excited when he said that, i went back in to offer him advice on how to help himself calm down. I told him to step away from what was bothering him, just for a few minutes, clear his head, and then go back to it and it would look differently. Well, THAT was the wrong thing to say!! He exploded!! It then turned into an unfortunate battle of wills and I ended up taking the part away from him for the night.

Parents and Aspies please chime in. Tell me what I did wrong, right-if anything, and how this should be handled in the future.

You may have edited your version of events for this discussion, so we may not know the actual situation. However, based on what you have said:
You went back to offer him advice on how to help calm down. Did you ASK him if he wanted your advice? Did you wait for a response, then act in accordance to that response?
Step away from what was bothering him , just for a few minutes...clear his head and it would look different. Firstly, advise that your suggestion would be for only a few minutes, THEN offer the suggested action, if it looks like he would cooperate. Clearing his head is too confusing and not specific enough. Impossible to do without training. It might be better to suggest 'being distracted by something else for a short while'.
"IT" would look different? No, it wouldn't, and any aspie knows that. "IT" is unchanged. However, the aspie might see a slightly different approach, so it would be more logical to say "and you may see things a bit differently, just enough to give you a new way to work on this"

There is no way that it should have become a battle of wills, as you should have let him deal with it, unless of course the battle was over him becoming abusive in some way.

Now that you are calm, and presumably he is calm, you may want to talk about what happened, and explain that you wanted to help, but obviously did that in the wrong way for your son. Ask him to help you to help him next time. Tell him you don't know the best way to help, but are willing to listen to his ideas on what might help.

Also, and this is important, aspies will often overheat when stressed, and a couple of cool washcloths to the wrists and neck can do absolute wonders to cool things (and us) down. BUT, don't just do that, and never use it as a threat. "Calm down, young man, or I'm getting the cold washcloths," would be about as wrong a thing to say as you possibly could. Much better, "I'm not sure, Jman, but I think you may be getting a bit warm from the effort of figuring things out...would you like me to get a couple of cool washcloths? It helped a bit last time, and might again this time. Your choice."

Yeah, I'd mostly just get out of the way, if possible.

Let him calm down FIRST and THEN and only then move forward from there.
And don't rush it....

The secret often is - people tend to offer help by doing the things that would help THEM in the same situation.

That is well meant - and often utterly irrelevant and frankly, worthless. So shake that off.

What will help HIM is the next step.

Don't feel bad - the world's divorce rate could be cut drastically if people learned just that simple fact.

As a parent I have a little different view point. For us I found that intercepting early helped. If I waited until he got too frustrated it was often too late to head off a melt down. Sometimes you just have to be the parent and save your child from himself. So if I saw Max heading in the direction of a meltdown (and I think your son would have gotten there no matter what you did once he was that frustrated) I step in early and surely. Meaning I don't ask, I don't try to help, I remove him from the situation. It may be something like " Ok Max, I don't like to hear all that whining and griping. You need to do something else for a while. Come get a drink, or a snack or go read for a half hour and I will set the timer for 30 minutes and you can try again" I never have to do that now (you would think this would be worse in a teenager) and I think it is because he learned early how to deal with his frustration before it got to meltdown. Sometimes I would send him out to the garage to whale on his punching bag if he was getting angry at something. Now it hangs there, not used, but a reminder to us all that sometimes you just need to rant and rave but we all don't have to hear it and you don't get to hurt your things or yourself (which was what he would sometimes do).
Just what worked for us....
Linda

I heard this statement from an NT, but it applies to aspies just as much, "I have a RIGHT to be irritated if I want to be."

Yes, and being irritated is one thing, heading for a meltdown is quite another and I think it is important that we help our kids learn how to head one off if we can......it sounded to me like Jman was heading in that direction and needed some intervention.
Linda

Happy Fourth of July everyone! Hope y'all are having better weather than we've had today!!

Thank you again for all the helpful advice!

He was headed for a meltdown and I am trying to teach him better ways than that. I do sometimes force him to step away and do something else and it works in the end, but it's a fight and a struggle and sometimes leads to a faster meltdown. Seems like everything I try leads us straight to battle. I am going to try to head it off sooner though. At the first sign of frustration maybe...? I think I may wait too long to intervene and that may be causing more harm than good. I like the punching bag idea, however I don't like it for my son because I am afraid if the bag wasn't around, say at school or the park or something, he would take out his rage in violence against someone or property or something. I would rather he learn to meditate, breathe, talk it out. But it sounds like I should let him be angry...? Thing is, when I let him have hit fits they seem to last for hours. He rants and raves and stomps and says awful things and it doesn't just last a few minutes. I am a migraine sufferer and sometimes his meltdowns cause me to have migraines. Cutting him off at the pass is best in our situation. Any ideas how to motivate him to meditate? He loves God and Jesus and understands Heaven and Hell but does not understand the spirit and the universe. He gets angry when I speak of positive over negative and relaxation and so on. Will I ever be able to get him to understand that side? Wouldn't being able to help himself bring him more peace and self-satisfaction?

Max really needed an outlet for his anger and frustration and in true guy fashion it seemed to need to be physical. The 100 lb punching bag worked great - it never led to any violence elsewhere but it was a wonderful release for him. Once he learned to channel that energy he seemed to learn how to control it. You can't make those feelings disappear I think, so you have to give them outlets that are healthy. He actually got to where he enjoyed just punching the bag for fun. The good news is when they are putting out that kind of physical energy it can't go on and on, they only have so much physical stamina. It worked really well for Max and he stopped having meltdowns not long after. Could have been coincidence but I think he learned a lot of self control. You just can't tell someone to not feel the way they feel, but you can help them redirect it. I am not sure you can motivate someone to meditate, we just kept trying things until we found what worked for him. Having a place to go to when he starts feeling out of control helps too. It should be quiet, dark and private. Some people have used their kids closets and built a little nest in there. Max has bunk beds and covered his lower bunk with hanging blankets and that is where he would go to calm down.

I think there is a major difference between a 'tantrum' and a 'meltdown' and I'm not sure which one your kids (Max and Jman) have been dealing with. I truly think that a meltdown in the way I have meltdowns cannot be dealt with by a punching bag. There is no anger involved, just a puddle of me with no ability to deal with anything. I can barely stand up, and certainly not throw a punch.

Then how do you get through a meltdown, BK G?

I was the child that hid and slept in the closet. The little girl that sucked her thumb, held her ear, and soft white blanket. That's how I found comfort as a child. As a young adult, I turned to alcohol, unfortunately. That lasted for a few years but somehow I pulled it together for my son and myself. I don't find myself getting angry as much anymore, or seeking alot of solitude. Well, after work, I do have to beg for my quiet 20 mins before I make dinner and go visiting throughout the house. Jman always get a kiss, hug, and "hello" as soon as I get home, but then I do need my few minutes of alone time. I don't drink and I quit smoking twelve years ago...so I guess I have learned self-control too. I just don't want my son to have a coronary before he's a teenager! He gets sooooooo angry. His veins literally pop from his neck, he growls like a wild animal and says very mean and hurtful things sometimes. He throws things and has tried to hit me a few times but luckily I blocked him and told him he'd better NEVER hit me again in anger or otherwise. I will not put up with abuse from anyone in my life ever again. Not even my children.

So, what calms y'all down? Anyone out there with anything else? Any other ideas? Anybody else?

Oh, and does anyone think Michael Jackson may have been an Aspie?? Just wondering.