I think being polite is important. I think if someone asks us how we are we need to look at the intention rather than the words. It may be a stock question but they are taking the time to connect with you on some level. That is why we have acquaintances and friends, if an acquaintance asks the stock question "how are you doing?" they are going to get the stock answer "fine". If a friend asks me I am going to assume they want a real answer and I am going to actually tell them - amazingly enough I have a lot of friends in spite of this - HA!
Linda

If someone asks us how we are, they are trying to connect on some level. Ha ha ha. Like an amoeba is striving for a scholastic award? Not too quickly or deeply.

I have found that rather than "fine", the short phrase "you don't want to know" is nearly as trite, but at least honest enough that I can tolerate using it, and surprisingly, it is not actually considered rude. The unwritten meaning seems to be, 'life sucks, but I won't bore you with my crap, but thanks for asking'.

I like your tactic, Bart, and I hear where you're coming from.

I guess I just don't take the world as seriously most of the time. I fell like NTs are my laboratory to experiment on and I can say whatever I want to them and see what their response is and log it into my database of "possible NT responses."

I guess I see life as "performance art."

But then again, people have accused me of being an artist.

OK - maybe it's just me and I DO find people fascinating but I usually am interested in the answer when I ask someone how they are. I was walking out of the Y after Yoga this morning and there was this older lady sitting there with 2 really cute dogs (Tibetan spaniels) and I probably stood there and talked to her for 30 minutes. She was a very interesting lady. Max is always blown away because I will end up having a 20 minute conversation with someone outside the dressing room at Macy's while I am waiting for him to try on pants. I think I learn something every time I talk to someone. But as you know, I am weird! It sure helps in my job though because I really care what they are trying to accomplish and then I care about finding out how I can help them, so I guess it works for me. Otherwise I suppose I would have a hard time talking to clients all day long....
Linda

The most fascinating thing I learned in the car business is that people LOVE to talk about themselves.

If you just ask "What's the worst thing about your job?" peopl will go on endlessly and then feel like you are their friend for listening.

It's weird, but it's real.

And "tibetan spaniel" sounds like the punchline to a dirty joke.

LOL. If you had asked me that, I'd have had little to say. My work premise was simple: if you don't like the job, fix it or get out. Mostly I just fixed things.

Yes, the 'real world' seems impossible to grasp to many here, understandably, but the variations are not infinite and the responses don't have to be, either.

Bart has correctly found that he can pick "oh, you don't want to know" from the menu of accepted responses, and it works just fine. So he's not engaging in, for him, a distasteful game of "Great? How about you? How are the kids? Oh, really? That's SO exciting! [blah blah]"

In a social setting, so many answers are acceptable that feel like only lies to an Aspie but mean something different to an NT person and hence most of society.

Plus there are times when even an Aspie might find that the "game" makes a certain amount of sense.

If you ask out the cute secretary on a date, and her real response is inclined to, "Thanks, but I find you repulsive in your hygiene and fashion sense, not to mention your obsession with model trains."

Is it SO bad if she instead says, "Oh, thanks, but I've got a boyfriend and we might be getting serious."

I may question some of the "mechanisms," but I also can see how some of them make some sense.

That is, I don't see why someone would lose some self-esteem because they are told they overcooked the roast.
But I CAN understand that an object of potential affection "telling it like it is" might be rough, and why an alternative system might be preferable.


Surely there's a book out there that explains all this?

I was amused by your remark. As a physician, I find I always have to clarify when I ask this question. I ask a patient, "how have you been?" and they answer, "Fine." Then I have to ask, "No really, how have you been?" So I think the disclaimer was perfect.

But back to the subject: I'm looking forward to hearing from some of you once you've seen the movie. I'm dying to see it, but not very optimistic that it will show in my small town. I have seen several reviews that liken the movie Adam to Guess Who's Coming to Dinner--with the saintly representation of the "not currently in the majority" character, rather than just portraying this person as another human being. As the NT mom of a kid with AS, I found comments from the director to be rather patronizing. But I am still looking forward to what looks like it might be an entertaining film.

I'm Glad to hear your perspective from the other side of the white coat.

I am not at liberty, particularly as a member of NARAS, to encourage digital piracy, but I bet that film is already online. There are a couple of Chinese sites that tend to have films even before their official release.

I don't patronize them, both because I am currently on dialup and because I have my firewalls set at levels that don't allow them, but if you want, you can PM me and my sister can see if it's out there yet and if so, where.

Personally, I'd rather write a movie than watch a movie. It's more to my taste that way.

One of the things I hated most about audio engineering was having to make tracks "commercially viable" and then see someone else touch my work and make it into something I had never intended.

There was one CD, done half in Seattle and half in Nashville that I made it a point to record tracks in such a way that they could not be essentially changed by even the finest engineers.

That pissed some people off. But it was worth it. All the pro audio people who listened to it said "The X,Y, and Z tracks are great, but the rest of it sucks." Those were my tracks.

Good to hear from you again! It's been awhile.

Max and I looked it up here, it is only playing in 2 theatres in San Francisco (about a 45 minute ride) in artsy theatres, you know V-dog the Kabucki and the Embarcadaro. So we can't go this weekend, too much going on. Max went on his first limo ride last night, his best friend turned 16 and his dad rented a limo to take them into SF from 6:00 to 10:00, and then back to spend the night. His friend has a twin sister so it was a mixed crowd and that is also a new experience, he was excited.
Anyway, I have to be out of town next weekend but the one after that if it is still at the Embarcadaro we will BART in. I told Max that I think we need to go to see if they got it right! They did present it to an Aspergers Group in New England I guess before it was released and got pretty good feed back from that group I read. Max and I will be the judges of that! HA
Yes, Samsmom, good to hear from you.
Linda