If you'll all pardon another politically-incorrect observation, I think women tend more than men to think of the external world as a pale reflection of themselves, so that everything is personal, to them - or, as you say, of no consequence.

There is a classic cartoon of a little boy with jam smeared all over his face, strenuously denying he stole any jam. We laugh at the cartoon because we are not threatend by the lie, knowing the boy will grow up to learn that it's pointless and self-destructive to tell a lie when there is no chance of it being believed.

Actually, the boy is trying to convey the message that he doesn't see himself as the kind of person who would normally steal, and he hopes that we will see him the same way. To the extent that this is his self-image, it is not an intentional lie - but it does indicate clearly that the boy has not yet learned to distinguish the outside world from the world of his imagination.

In my experience, adult women are much more likely to exhibit this kind of immaturity than adult men. Few women I have known well have never produced this kind of behavior - in fact the only one I can think of that would not do so is my mother. A man who behaves this way tends to be considered despicable by other men - thus the implacable rejection of Clinton by many after he "never inhaled" and told Lewinsky "if I say it didn't happen, and you say it didn't happen, then it didn't happen" although those people would not have been nearly so disgusted if a woman had voiced the same attitude.

found out from my insurance company that I need a referal from the person who first thought I might have AS. the 3 problems that I face; 1) my marriage counselor who first recognized the AS isn't "qualified" to make that determination, 2) she moved to San Diego; and 3) my regular psychiatrist states that he does not think that I have AS and declines to give me a referal until we can discuss it. he said "I've seen asperger people and "you are not asperger"". he didn't say that he wouldn't give me the referal, not until we can talk about it. I don't care; either way I AM STILL going to get that test done because I KNOW that I am asperger,( I have to have an answer to what plagues me) I just will have to pay out of pocket. what will happen after that I don't have any clue but at least I'll have an answer. in the big picture I guess it's not really important to find out because there really isn't any real treatment or cure for it. the way I look at it, at least I will have answer to what my problems are.

That "until we can discuss it" seems pretty standard. I just had an appointment like that when I asked for a referral for something unrelated to AS.

My two cents worth of advice would be to tell him that you need it definitively ruled out if he starts with "you don't have it."

I have also heard the tired old "you don't seem like an Aspie" line as well. If he pulls that out, ask him what his experience level is concerning how adult Aspies might present. When he admits he doesn't have a clue, ask for the referral.

I know it's a pain, but just keep pushing and try not to let it stress you out.

It's just how "medicine" seems to work these days.

"I now know why I did those things but that does not excuse me, but now I know how to address the issues and problems that I faced before it becomes a problem. I am learning to open up and express my needs or wants and how to ommunicate and it is difficult for me.
she gave me 1 year to get my act into shape and start getting help before she leaves me for good. I only have less than 2 months left and she still is on the edge wether or not she wants to stay. she really doesn't want to talk about it much at all. says that I pressure her and doesn't like it. as you can imagine, this uncertainty is really playing havoc on me, because I NEED definitive answers and direction."

Forget for a moment about what you need and focus on what she needs, especially given that you feel lucky she is still there at all.

If you agree with that point, then either tell her verbally or write down (if the first is too difficult) your recognition that you respect the fact that she is feeling pressured and that you therefore will do all you can to remove that pressure from her. If you haven't already expressed that 1st cited paragraph above in this post, find a way to do it - then not seek an immediate followup if she doesn't want one.

Try to imagine being her. She must care a lot, or she wouldn't have given you this chance at all. It's hard, because you want to have so many conversations - but if she doesn't, respect her wishes.

Also, SHOW her that she is important to you.
What things can you handle that she might appreciate you doing? laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, watering the plants, some chore involving other family members, picking up dry cleaning - it hardly matters what it is. Just offering it - especially if you haven't thought of it before - represents respect that she deserves, from what you've said.

I doubt you have to be George Clooney-smooth on any of it. The effort is a large part of the picture.

Boiled down: Don't just try to improve things in a way that YOU would want. Either figure out what she would want, or ask her, if you don't know (at least it shows you're trying).

If she does as much for the family as I suspect, and you demonstrate a recognition of that role and a desire to make her life less stressful, you might find yourself on the right path - or at least the path giving you the best possible shot, which is all you can ask.

well had my meeting with my shrink yesterday, I brought all of my research that I did regarding AS. he told me that I do not have asperger, but ALL of my social issues are from depression only. he refused to give me a referal so my insurance would pay for, so I have to pay but I was already counting on it. he read the DSM-IV criteria and everything applied to me! he refused to accept or acknowledge it even after giving him numerous references. I can not print what I said after I left the office. when I get the diagnosis I get a new shrink.
even my parents who don't always agree with me actually think that I might be. I have learned to control many of socially unacceptable mannerisms and the aspie in me usually does not show very much when I am in public, learnt painfully through the years what to do and not to do. when I get into a very over stimulating scenario I recognize that I withdraw even moreso so I don't embaress myself or family, and I still mannerisms that are seen. yet somedays I crave to be in the group discussing things, always love a good debate or discussion

If you get a new "shrink" you may be able to recover your money. You can force him to change his diagnosis code for billing sometimes. It's a lot of paperwork and they hate your guts, but it might be worth it. Or after the referral.

I had to do that for one of my children once with a hostpial, but that was probably easier. Unless he's in with a group of Dr.'s and you can do that with the organization. It saved me $4,000 actually.

I am going to be as completely fair and honest as I can be here, IANC.

It's really hard for adults to get diagnosed with Asperger's.

On the other hand, the behaviour I saw from you here - hunting for stereotypes and trying to prepare "notes" set off red flags in my head.

Maybe your docvtor missed something because he sensed you were fishing for a particular diagnosis and he perceived THAT as the greater problem.

Given your history, that is a more likely scenario than an incompetent doctor missing your claimed "AS."

v-dog, I am a little confused misunderstanding "

On the other hand, the behaviour I saw from you here - hunting for stereotypes and trying to prepare "notes" set off red flags in my head."

can I ask what you meant by it? hunting stereotypes and trying to prepare notes set off red flags in my head?

my understanding is that you think that there might be a possibilty of AS and the doctor was more worried about fishing for a diagnosis than an actual problem.

what in my history is a more likely scenario than an incompetent doctor missing something?

I was not the one who originally thought that I might be AS, it was a professionally trained mental health conselor who, with my wife's input first recognized the possiblity of AS. NONE of my previous psychiatrist had ever had the privilage of my wife's insight. if I didn't discuss it, so they could never recognized it and I really didn't get to deep into my personal history or mannerisms. if it wasn't for the therapist, you and I wouldn't be having this discussion and I'd still be searching for answers in my life.

I am not fishing for anything, there is no water near my PC and I do not have my fishing pole. I am learning so that I might be educated and have a better understanding of myself. I was looking for stereotypical behavior because what I think that I am doing I don't perceive as "different" or autistic-like. I think of it as being myself and how I react to the enviornment. I was trying to see if my unusal mannerisms are "typical" for asperger or autism or anything else for that matter.
I am not looking to have an excuse to go on state assistance or anything similiar. I am simply looking for answers as to why I am different and why I see/do things differently. I just want answers. I don't buy "that it just depression and ADHD is the reason why I am the way I am"

so why did you go get diagnosed as asperger? where you looking for answers? how old where you?

I am well aware that AS is very difficult to diagnose in adults and that I might not actually be asperger. nothing in my life will change except that my wife and I finally know how and why I work the way I do, and how we can adapt our lives to work around my shortcomings/misunderstandings.

just curious, but how or why is it that nobody else here is commenting (or suggesting) that I might be "fishing" for a dianosis? and might not be AS.

They're more polite than I am.

I was in my late 30's when I was diagnosed, and it happened as part of a disability application which included mostly physical "ailments."

All I'm saying is if I'm a shrink, and some dude on Seroquel turns up in my office trying to recite Aspie symptoms to me, I'm not thinking Asperger's. I'm thinking "What's up with the dude?"

I hope you don't feel dissed. I'm just thinking "recipe for disaster."

I don't know if you're Aspie or not. I lean "not." Your doctor leans "not." Neither of us are particularly reliable.

So please don't take it personally - it's just my opinion - and his opinion - and that's all.

Maybe if you stick with us here you'll learn more and strengthen or change your opinion or be able to explain it better to your doctor.

Personally, I don't have a dog in this race. I can see we don't get along. I have trouble with your use of language and you like to tease me.

OK.

But that's all I meant. Doctors get freaked out when you've diagnosed yourself before they have had a crack at you.

I do not feel "dissed" or even pissed. your opinion and his opinion are your own and I can not change them.

I do not take it personal whatsoever.

what use of my language do you have a problem with? not trying to argue just a clarification in case there is something I need to edit. I do not recall saying that asperger is an illness or mental problem, but if I did I am sorry.

as for the teasing I will stop since it bothers you. I only teased because I respect you and like you. I can see that we do butt heads on occaision.

I would like to stick around so I can learn more about myself and maybe even offer insight to somebody some day and help them out.

I am truly sorry if I had offended you or made you angry at any time during my stay here.