Well, it probably should be its own thread, but it's fine, asking here. My AS buddy could never ask a girl out, and it was only in his late thirties that he managed to finally do that. There were numerous aborted attempts and numerous failed attempts before something worked.

Being totally intense, he scared them away with even asking. He tried romantic approached, but was so far overboard that again, he scared them away. Finally he found someone, via work connections. The continual contact and eventual comfort level at talking allowed both of them the chance to 'click'. I think the greater the effort and more intense the 'need' to perform, the worse the result. If he is stuck to his computer screen then you putting pressure on him to meet a girl is going to drive him over the edge. It will happen, but when HE can deal with it. There is no need to make life miserable by trying to force things.

Wise words BK_G. I certainly would not want to make his life miserable. I was just trying to find a way to help him. Friends suggested that an online parent support group might give us tips on creating social opportunities by learning what worked for others.
A doctor once told us that we should make him earn computer time by doing social things. That did not work!

He may not be ready for a girlfriend for a long time despite his chronological age. (But it is hard for him when his little sisters friends tease him for not having a girlfriend yet. It is tough to know what to say to them.)

You need to stop them from teasing him. It will only make things worse. Aspies are generally much less emotionally mature for their chronological age than are the so called normal people. Just tell the sister's friends that it is none of their business, but if they really care to know, everyone does not grow at the same rate. Some of those friends may have their periods and breast development long before others the same age. How would they like to be teased about that? The problem with peer pressure teasing is that it is totally about bullying and not fair in any way. If you are the first to 'develop' you are teased, then as everyone goes the same way, the last one is teased for not having developed yet. It is the 'odd person out' who is teased, and for no other reason than being the 'odd person out'.

Your son not being ready yet is not under his control. The teasing by the friends IS under their control, and they need to be held accountable. Just to add a nice bit of further confusion into things, statistically it is clear that he has a 10% chance of being gay. If you think it is bad him not dealing with the girlfriend challenge, just think what it would be like if he had to confront being gay as well. Can you just imagine if you try to match him up and that's in the mix too? My advice is to let him ask you for help, not try to push it on him. Just be sure you are available and that he knows it.

Hi QCmom, I have a 16 year old son that hates to ask for anything. We finally got him comfortable ordering his own food in a restaurant. But it took a while, he would go without an ice cream rather than order one on his own. I let him go without a couple of times and worked with him on what to say and we practiced. This was when he was about 10 or so and that has gotten much better. But I know he did not turn in his home work in middle school because he did not like going to the front of the room where the teachers desk was. And I know today I took him to Target because he wanted to see if they carried a certain kind of gift card. He went in by himself and came out quite a while later and I asked if he had it. He said he could not find where they keep them. I asked him if he asked someone, he said no, who would he ask. I told him the cashier, employees stocking shelves etc. He said he hates to ask for help. I told him they get paid for helping customers. He then told me that he hates to ask because he does not like to let other people know he does not know something. We then talked about how important is what someone thinks of you whom you will probably never see again. He said he might see them again. I know one way to deal with Max is humor so I then said, "You know, they get paid to help people, if you don't ask they may lose their job, their children will go hungry. You may have just ruined some innocent childs Christmas because you were too proud to ask!" He started laughing but I know he kind of got it. Now please realize, this is huge because used to be he would not tell me why he would not ask and it would be very frustrating. At least now he will usually tell me what the problem is which makes it much easier to deal with. But it took a long time for him to know/trust that I was asking to help him not judge him. We also had a discussion on his inability to self-motivate and I think that gave him food for thought as well. I explained that it is not a natural thing that we have all had to learn how to do it. It is something that gets easier with practice and maturity. He thought it cam easily to everyone else and it was just him.

As for girls, I think he would like to have a girlfriend or at least the choice. I think he has a crush on a certain girl but would never make the first move. He won't even do that with his friends, they have to call him and ask him to do something, he will never initiate plans. We talked a little bit about this too. It seems the best time to get him talking is when he is held hostage in the car as there are not computers or vidio games to distract him!! That's why I am always willing to run him around, which he sincerely thanks me for each time I do.
As far as the teasing, I would not tell the girls to stop teasing him as that makes him look weak. I would give him some possible responses that he can use if they do tease him or how to shrug it off making them look childish. But that's just me.
Linda

Interesting. This nearly identical scenario occurred when my AS buddy and I first became friends. He had trouble, or I had trouble (not with each other) and we could only talk it out in the car. Best was sitting in the dark somewhere. The fact that you are side by side and not looking at each other really REALLY helps. The lack of distraction is significant, but it is not just that, but also that there is no EXCUSE to turn to something else. In other words, the discomfort of the situation (talking about your challenges) makes you actively look for distractions, so sitting in a dark car in a traffic free area is ideal. In case you are wondering, we spent up to 5 HOURS talking about our personal problems and how to deal with them. It might not take that long for an NT parent with an AS child. Two aspies trying to come up with solutions is quite the challenge.

Let's not forget about college when it comes to meeting girls. When they live next door, use the same bathroom as you, hang out in the same social room, take the same classes, and so on, they can become a lot less daunting and it is easier to see the "sameness" instead of just the differences. Socializing will happen naturally in groups, and can be as simple as "Let's get pizza!" or "I heard there was a party a few blocks from here tonight."

There are two women on my Facebook whom I met when I was 17 and first away at college - and I still speak with them regularly. One lived right across from me in my dorm my freshman year. I've known them over 25 years now, as hard as that seems to believe.

My current strategy for social interaction currently involves dealing with people who share my interests. It's not foolproof, but if someone is interested in cooking, music, or audio engineering/production (and there are women in all of these fields) then we have plenty to talk about and it is not anxiously necessary to engage in "small talk."

I still don't like to ask for help all the time - but I too have incorporated the understanding that when there is a kiosk that says "Information" it was likely put there to give you information. I had maps off all stripes with me when I went to NY, and probably asked everyone from NYPD to other tourists for advice on how to get where I needed to be - and everyone was nice and helpful. But yeah, I do have days when I don't want to ask anyone anything, or ven order food and stand around waiting for it. Other days are better, and I don't think twice about it, because my mind is somewhere else and so those transactions are essentially done in the background.

Every young man wants a girlfriend - and it seems there are those guys who always have a girlfriend, those that never do, and those that have periodic brief "relationships." - and this is indeed a mystery.

But this topic always reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PV7bxC0UVMM

"I know today I took him to Target because he wanted to see if they carried a certain kind of gift card. He went in by himself and came out quite a while later and I asked if he had it. He said he could not find where they keep them. I asked him if he asked someone, he said no, who would he ask."

Amen.

To this day, with all my achievements and challenges, there are plenty of 'house' items where I have no idea where one would buy them. I think everything should be available in a supermarket.

I've warmed up of late to Home Depot, though.
The store is SO big that when you ask for help, it seems like you are just looking to trim your search time because no one could find anything quickly.

So the social sense is that you COULD find it (even if you can't), but it's too time-consuming.
I play along.

The best service I ever got was at a Future Shop. I asked where something was, after realizing that there was no way I was going to find it, and when asked if I needed anything else, I pulled out my shopping list. The staff member thereupon took me to EACH thing on the list, explained features and carried the goods for me to the next location, and finally to the checkout. Amazing.

Best service I ever got was just the other night, when a fellow was drinking malt liquor and watching a TV over my head as I was posting here from my hostel, and when I asked him where I could get some, he gave me directions to the store. And then we outlined a business plan for his CD staying up until 4AM - and he's now a client.

All because I asked where I could find malt liquor after the overpriced drinks at the NARAS party.

You never know what will happen once you open a conversation - which I learned in the car biz.

I like myself on days when I feel fearless.

your son sounds so much like me when I was his age, except that we didn't have computers and the internet and limited electrical devices. my first real gf was when I was 19 and she worked at the same deli I did so we talked to each getting to know each other. well you can tell him that there is no harm in asking a girl to the prom, the WORST thing she can say is no! he just might find someone who would say yes. I'd suggest that he doesn't go asking the hottest girl in school, chances are she's taken and no offense intended but probably out of his comfort level anyway. you never know though, she might be the perfect one!

I am not saying he'd should go asking the comeliest girl either unless they have chemistry together. looks aren't everything, personality and sense of humor are far more important and how well they get along together.. he'll "know" when it happens. maybe use that computer of his to establish communications with a girl, getting to know her and such. it is less personable and easier on us than face to face conversations until you get to know them.

I strongly suggest staying away from dating sites, when he turns 18; they are dangerous and you really don't know who you are talking to.

if he has a job where he works along side women than I am willing to bet that is where he is going to meet his girlfriend. I'd say over 90% of my relationships started through work connections