I've never been able to figure this out. Everybody already seems to have all the friends they want. I'd like to know the process. I've tried many things, but they all seem to fizzle out.

If I invite someone to do something (a hike or a dinner, etc.), they are always too busy. Sometimes they do agree, but usually back-out later. Sometimes I've tried setting a time for several weeks, always having them back-out or forget to show, till finally I give up. Occasionally, someone has shown up and we've done something together, but it never continues or develops or even repeats after a few times. Yet it seems to me that other people have friends they see regularly, or can call to accompany them to a movie or whatever.

I consider myself a friendly person and have many, many acquaintances who seem happy to see me and enjoy talking with me if we should meet by chance at the mall or in the street. But they never phone me up or invite me over or ask me out.

Can anyone explain to me how people make friends? Or how they start relationships?

It's partly a numbers game - and it's partly just who you hit it off with.

I've travelled about 8,000 miles in the last few months and I've never had trouble making acquaintances and some have become friends. And I didn't particularly go out of my way to do it - other than to make sure to collect e-mail/Facebook/telephone numbers from each of them.

Maybe you need a larger pool?

Have you tried computer social networking?

That's all I've got. Also, all my travel was to/from events with people with a common interest.

Good luck.

I'm in the same boat.

It either fizzles out or I get bored and wonder off to play Sims and force them to socialize. I'm either in an "isolated, moody, not wanting to socialize" mood or a "I want to socialize, but how?" mood. It's hard being an Aspie sometimes - I'm constantly trying to read peoples' minds (try to figure their social cues out).

I like "chatting" online or texting because of my auditory processing disorder. Try getting just one person to understand APD is akin to getting one person to learn about ASDs.

- Serenity

Brookler, I hate to break it to you, but you probably irritate the heck out of the people you find most likely to become friends. The first thing you need to do is probably join some groups; hiking, walking, volunteering, whatever. Have some common interest and then see if anyone actually gravitates towards you, asking you to do something together, not the other way around.

Try to meet some other aspies, by maybe going to a meetup.com evening. Those are often much more willing to overlook our aspieness, since we are all afflicted with the same social lack of grace. It's not guarantee, but it might work out better than random guesswork and hope.

Finally, see if you can look at your own behaviour to find out if you are doing something socially 'bad'. And remember the golden rule, or learn it if you don't know it already: all people like to talk about themselves more than listen about others. Ask them THEIR stories, don't tell them your, particularly if you haven't been asked. And don't compare your experiences with theirs, even if you think you are offering 'support' and 'understanding' by relating your own similar experiences.

Believe it of not, if they say they get a headache when they exercise it does NOT help you to tell them that you get a sore knee under similar circumstances.

Thanks to all who responded.

I don't do well in groups. I enjoy going to lectures and taking classes, but if the group should socialize afterwards, I usually stand around feeling awkward and a little scared, then leave as soon as I can. And everyone seems to be in couples or groups of friends talking already. If I try to join a group, they look at me and I feel as if I don't belong and am listening in on private conversations.

I'm kind of faceblind, so it's tricky since I'm often not sure if I'm supposed to know someone or not. I don't like parties or bars; I don't drink or have coffee, and yes I'm aware that that isolates me, but it's not about to change anytime soon. I can't take noisy places, even movie theatres aren't very comfortable for me and I often have to grit my teeth and stare at the floor to stop myself from covering my ears when everybody applauds.

I volunteer and work part-time, hence all my acquaintances. Guess I just haven't met anybody that I've "hit it off" with in the last 15 years. Trouble is, I don't see how the next 15 are going to be any different.

I am aware that my natural impulse is to dominate conversations, but I strongly try not to let that out. The flip side is when I'm nervous and shy and can't think of anything to say. I'm aware that people consider me eccentric, but I'm also very good at hiding my quirks and am highly successful in my profession and seen as a mentor.

Chatrooms don't interest me much; I don't see much point in a virtual friend. Usually I only "lurk" on message boards such as this one. The town I live in doesn't have Aspie groups or meet-ups.

Waiting for someone else to gravitate towards me is certainly easier than trying to do the approaching myself, but at this point the chances don't seem great of that happening. But thanks for your encouragement. I'll keep working on showing interest in others.

There are so many simple - though inobvious to Aspies - ways of joining a group.

Have you ever tried approaching a circle of people having a conversation and saying something like - "You look like you're having a great conversation. Have you all known each other long?"

NTs are not all social geniuses. If you ask the right questions and treat them the right way, they are often grateful to be befriended.

Examples from NYC: In line for registration at AES to the person in front of me in line for registration "How many audio geeks can there possibly be? I didn't expect a line like this!"

To some kids talking huddled around the water coolers in the lecture area "Do you guys all go to the same audio school? What kind of gear do you have?"

At my friends B-Day party (HUUUUUUGE) to a circle of people "So - How do you guys all know Jason?"

At the SF GRammy Party - to another circle of people - "Are you guys all part of the Producers and Engineers Wing - or are you all the REAL artists?"

All resulted in meeting new people and great conversations.

It's not rocket science - though it might seem so to some Aspies.

Good luck!

Do you have a public library? See if they have a book group. I'm trying to get the nerve up myself to go.

- Serenity

Some years ago I joined a local natural history group, mostly "birders". I just tagged along on some of there trips, making no real effort to join in socially. I was interested in the trips, so I wasn't really being a fraud. Anyway, I wrote a short article on one of the trips, for the club's newsletter, and before I knew it, people were talking to me about my interesting perspective on the trip, and inviting me specifically to join other trips.
Eventually, when the group decided to try some political pressure (lobbying) I was able to use my talents for spotting inconsistencies in arguments, and knowledge of some pretty legalistic terminology to enhance the documents presented, to the point of having several very nice successes for the group, and the habitat.

Don't underestimate the value of "virtual friends."

I recently joined Facebook, and although most of my F/B people are people I know in real life - some of whom I havent seen in 15 or 20 years - some are mere "virtual friends." It's nice to hear what they're up to day by day - and for them to hear what I am thinking. If not for F/B, I wouldn't have made my recent Portland trip.

Have you added your "acquaintances" to a computer social network? You'll find that you get closer to them because you deal with them more.

At real events, your worst enemy is fear. People don't bite. Say hello. Introduce yourself. If it's a lecture, make a comment about it and invite interaction. It might not work, in which case you move on to another group, or you might find some really cool people.

Unless your friends are literally touching you, or feeding you, there is really no difference between the 'virtual' connection of sound and light, or the 'virtual' connection of electronically transmitted sound and light.